Chapter Twenty-three

I motion everyone ahead of me so I’m the last one in the door to Danny’s gym. I wasn’t sure she’d be there until I heard her saying ‘hi’ to everybody. I just assumed she would be, but to hear her speak was the confirmation I needed. Or wanted. Whatever. When I step through the doorway, I imagine I see her eyes light up. But that’s probably just wishful thinking so I smile, or I think I smile, give a casual nod and a small wave.

Danny shakes my hand and claps my shoulder like he did with all the other guys. I think his grip is probably stronger and his shoulder clap was a little harder with me though. Maybe it’s a warning. Or maybe it’s my imagination.

“I assume you all know how to use the machines,” he says to us. We all tell him we do. “So does anybody want to get in the ring?” He has a glimmer in his eye when he says this. He’s probably hoping I’ll get in there with him.

“Hell yes,” Deryk says like it’s always been a dream of his for an MMA fighter to ask permission to kick his ass.

“We’re not going to really hit each other,” Danny informs him. “I mean, not hard. I’ve seen you punch. I’m not eager to be on the receiving end of that.”

“Uh yeah, me neither, man,” Deryk agrees. “I don’t think the coaches would like it if I got banged up pretend fighting.”

I’m watching them taping up their fists and putting those funny little helmets on when Carly walks over to me. She stands in front of me but off to the side, so I can still see the guys in the ring. I pretend I’m still watching them.

“Hey,” she says quietly. I shift my eyes to her. “I left my hoodie in your car,” she tells me. I’m kind of surprised when she says it. I force myself to not look to see if Danny is coming at me with taped up fists.

“Oh yeah,” I say like I forgot. “I put it in my bag.” Which I did actually forget to bring in with me. “I… uh… left it in the car.”

So I just turn and start walking out to the driveway. She follows me.

“Oh you didn’t have to come out here,” I tell her.

She shrugs. “What am I going to do in there?”

I don’t ask her what she was planning on doing in there in the first place. I open the door and as I’m opening my bag she starts talking.

“Danny asked me if I was breaking up with him. Ben told him about you coming over and me quitting school and moving in with Rachel. I don’t know why he always has to tell everybody my business but never tells me anything.” She’s angry. It’s pretty easy to tell.

“Are you?” I ask.

“Am I what? Moving out?”

I think maybe she’s trying to make me actually ask her if she’s breaking up with her boyfriend. But I look at her and I really believe she doesn’t know which part I’m asking about. Now I’m not sure if I should ask.

So I just say, “Yeah.”

She nods and starts walking back to the door. I walk beside her, careful to look straight ahead.

“Yes, I’m finally moving out of my parents’ house.” She smiles and looks over at me. I smile back at her.

“What about the fear of floating away?”

“Maybe that’s not such a bad thing,” she says and throws the door open.

Danny looks over and she holds up the sweatshirt. Deryk took the opportunity to throw a fist. As soon as Danny turned his head, Deryk’s fist connected with the right side of his jaw.

“Oh fuck,” Deryk says. “You weren’t supposed to turn your head back so fast.” He’s trying not to laugh.

“Damn, dude,” Danny laughs and touches his face with his hand.

“Sorry,” Deryk tells him before breaking into laughter.

I just shake my head and walk over to spot Benny. The weight he has on the bar looks like more than he should be trying to bench.

Carly runs over to the ring to check on Danny.

“Oh shit, Danny. Are you okay?” She asks him. I steal a glance in her direction as Benny lifts the bar easily. He smiles and I look down at his face and raise my eyebrows.

“Stronger than I look, eh?” He smirks.

“Impressive,” I tell him sincerely and place my hands on the bar as he lowers it.

I look over at Carly again. She puts her hands on Danny’s face when he kneels down to her. All the while, Deryk is trying unsuccessfully to stop laughing.

“Real funny, Engelland,” Carly glares at him. I think she’s kidding but it’s hard for me to tell.

“Your fault, lady,” he tells her. I assume he can tell that she is, in fact, kidding. He knows girls better than I do.

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Danny kneels to show me that he’s okay. I reach up to put my hands on his face. He turns his head to kiss the palm of my hand.

“All good, babe,” he smiles and jumps back up. “I owe you one now, Engo,” he says and takes his stance.

Deryk puts his hands up in mock fright. “It was an accident!” He exclaims and busts out laughing again.

I walk away from the ring and sit on the bench by the door.  I pull out my phone and text Rachel.

Me: What are you doing?
Rachel: Working.  Why?
Me:  I’m sitting on the bench watching the boys work out.
Rachel:  Boys?  Or just one boy?
Me:  Oh come on.  Kris Letang is here all sweaty with his muscles bulging.  If I’m only watching one, it’s that one.
Rachel:  Not fair.  Take pictures.

I snap a picture and send it to her.

Rachel:  damn
Me: Right?
Rachel: What’s Jordan doing? Are you just going to sit there and watch them all day?
Me:  Spotting TK.  I feel stupid.
Rachel:  Walk out and act like you’re doing something important.  I have to go. Talk to you later.

I walk out the door and stand there.  Now what?  I stand there for a couple minutes and go back in.

Danny calls me over and asks me my opinion about the wingers for Sid conversation that they’re all having.

“Be careful how you answer!”  TK tells me with a laugh.

“Tough crap, jackass, you’re my winger,” Jordan tells him and lets go of the bar.  Tyler dramatically lowers the bar and Jordan gasps and grabs it.  TK laughs.

“I don’t have an opinion.  It will work itself out.  In the meantime, I have no problems with Kunitz and Dupuis,” I tell them with a shrug.

“Told ya,” Danny tells them.  “It doesn’t matter who plays with him.”

“No, I’m saying I think Kunitz and Dupuis are worthy,” I correct.

Kris gives me a wink and a nod of approval.

After a few minutes of needless debating, I go back to the bench and sit down.  I realize that I’m forcing my eyes off of Jordan every ten seconds.  I hang around for a while, staring at my hands and go outside again. 

The second I walk in the door, Jordan looks my way and our eyes meet.  He is so beautiful.  TK gets up and Jordan adds more weight to the bar.  He positions himself under it and TK stands behind him.  I watch him lift the bar; his muscles bulging, his cheeks puffing out.  I realize I’m staring and my mouth is hanging open.  I close it and swallow before drool starts dripping down my chin.  He smiles at me.  There’s something happening between us and it isn’t something that I can ignore. 

What about Danny?  I dart my eyes in his direction.  He’s not looking at me. 

What about me?  What if I end up getting hurt? 

Worse yet, what if I end up hurting one of them?


I pull my phone out of my pocket and look at it like I have a message. Then I turn and go back outside.  This time I walk into the woods and stomp my feet a bit before I come back in.  When I do, Jordan is standing, toweling sweat off his face.  I walk toward him. What am I doing?  Why are my feet taking me this way?



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All I keep doing is stealing glances at her.  She keeps leaving and coming back.  I wonder where she goes but don’t ask her.  Danny doesn’t even seem to notice. 

What am I doing?  I mean, even if the guy doesn’t want to kick my ass for trying to steal his girl, somebody is still going to get hurt.  I have a feeling either way it’s going to end up being me.  Forget the fact that I’m not ready for another relationship.  The truth of the matter is I’ve never been good at them.  I tried to be.  I tried so hard but I just don’t understand girls. 

I’m standing off to the side away from all the machines and benches, toweling sweat off when she comes back in.  I look over and she starts walking toward me and I look away.  She is making me want to understand.

“Staal, get your pansy ass over here and spot me,” Tanger yells from the other side of the gym. 

“Sir, yes, sir,” I mock and smirk as I walk past Carly.  Tanger understands girls.  I put my hand on the bar and he rolls his eyes.

“Gotta be careful, my man,” he says quietly and pushes the bar up.  “Don’t want it to be too obvious.”

“I didn’t do anything,” I whisper back.

“Not yet,” he says in a normal tone.

We finish our workouts and hang out for a bit to cool down.  Everybody is comfortable and at ease with each other.  It’s nice.  Until our eyes meet.  Every time our eyes meet, I tense up.  I feel like it’s noticeable.  Like it changes the quality of the air or something.  So I stop looking at her.  But then I feel like that’s noticeable too.  Like it’s obvious that I’m forcing myself to not look at her.

I stand up and wipe my hands on my thighs.

“Ready?” Benny asks me.  I think there’s pity in his smile.

We say our goodbyes and make plans to come back in a couple days.  This is getting old.  Why can’t I just tell them to come back without me?

Nobody talks about her the whole way home.  I’m thankful for that because it lets me go full minutes at a time without even thinking about her.

Chapter Twenty-two

I'm so sorry it takes me so long in between posts. It seems like, aside from real life kicking my ass the past couple of months, I have to redirect my thoughts on this story. I know where I want it to go but I sometimes have problems getting it there. I think a big part of this is because I love Danny. I didn't mean to and he was supposed to be this huge jackass but for some reason he didn't turn out to be that and I can't seem to make him that now. So I wrote myself into a corner there. And, of course, the season is almost over and here I am still sticking them in last spring.

I'm a work in progress. That was the whole point of this in the first place. I tried to make it smutty at first to keep people interested but I guess I'm not that kind of writer. I'm not saying there won't be any, because there may be, I'm just saying that isn't what this is anymore. I guess it never was.

I so very much appreciate those of you who still read this and put up with my sporadic posting.

To those of you who still come here, thank you thank you thank you times a billion.

----------------------------

A bunch of us found some ice to skate on Sunday and Monday. Me, Letang, Engo, TK, Matty and Benny called a few rinks and found some open time. It can get rough in the off season. Now if we would have had Sid or Geno with us, it would have been a whole lot easier, of course. But they’re both on vacation. Well, I guess it’s pretty unfair to call what Sid has been going through a vacation. Geno’s probably on some beach with a blonde rubbing suntan lotion all over him. Sid’s probably at home in a dark soundproof room. I try not to think about Sid too much. It scares me.

Letang and Engo have been working well together and have been showing each other different aspects of the game. They decided to help Matty and Benny too. Engo is showing them how to be tougher. Tanger is showing them how to be, well, better. TK and me are just standing back to watch Tanger skate. We take turns throwing pucks at him.

“You’re gonna win the Norris this season, Tanger!” TK yells out to him.

Tanger ignores him. He doesn’t talk about such things. It’s true though. If he doesn’t win next season, he’s a shoe-in for the following season. How long can they continue to ignore him if he keeps getting better?

Benny glides over to us.

“What’s the deal with you and that chick? What’s her name,” he asks. I assume he means Carly but I just shrug like I don’t know what girl he means.

“Carly,” TK answers. “She’s still with the MMA fighter.”

“Not for long from what I could see,” Benny says.

I nod my head towards Engo plowing Matty into the boards.

“Go fight for the six spot,” I tell him as we watch Matty retaliate on Engo with a shove.

“That was mean, man,” TK tells me.

I just shrug. I’m sick of people talking to me about Carly. And honestly I don’t see any way that Lovejoy isn’t number seven this season.

Monday, after a solid two hours on the ice, we make our way out to the cars. I slide into the passenger seat of Engo’s car after TK climbs in back.

“We’re all going to Danny’s tomorrow, right?” TK asks as Engo pulls out onto the road.

“Yeah,” I answer. “We’ll have to figure out who’s driving and where we’ll meet.”

“We can meet at Tanger’s,” Deryk suggests. “He has the most convenient driveway. Fits lots of cars.”

Tuesday morning comes fast. I shove Carly’s sweatshirt in my bag and meet Engo outside at 10:45. We get to Tanger’s and wait in the driveway where we collectively decide that Benny will drive. His SUV will hold all of us. We pull out of the driveway and something catches TK’s eye. He turns his head back towards Kris’ front door.

“whoa. Who’s that?” He asks. We all turn to look. A leggy blonde is walking through Kris’ front yard and getting into a red Corvette parked on the street outside Tanger’s.

“Masseuse,” Tanger says and grins.

“Damn,” Matty says, his mouth still hanging open.

“Dog,” TK says and shoves the back of Tanger’s seat. “Anne wouldn’t be happy about that.”

“Something tells me you wouldn’t want to make that chick mad,” I point out helpfully.

Kris laughs. “She knows I get massages. She doesn’t need to see the masseuse.” He shrugs. “Besides, we just met. I don’t think she expects much from me right now.”

“If there’s one thing I do know about chicks,” TK adds, “it’s that almost all of them almost always expect too much.”

“Not all of them,” Engo chimes in, grinning.

“We know, we know. You’re happily married,” Matty says with a roll of his eyes.

I’m sitting in the front passenger seat while Benny drives. The rest of the guys fall silent. Either texting (Tyler) or listening to their iPods (Letang, Engo and Matty).

“Wanna talk?” Benny asks me.

“About what?” I ask even though I know what he means.

“I don’t know,” he says, “whatever you want. Sometimes it just helps to talk.”

I make a grunting sound.

“About anything, I mean.” He answers my grunt. “I don’t just mean about Carly.”

“I worry about Sid a lot,” I tell him and sigh.

“He’s doing better though,” Benny says cheerfully. “He’ll be good as new for the start of the season.”

“Seems so far away,” I say, looking out the window, not knowing exactly what I’m talking about. The summers always go by quickly, no matter how long they are. I turn my head back to the front.

“Here before you know it,” Benny says and steals a side glance at me. “It will all work out.”

I just nod and lean my head back on the seat. “You can talk, man. I’m listening,” I tell him so he knows I’m not sleeping or just simply ignoring him. I know Benny likes to talk. I guess too much silence makes him uncomfortable.

So he does. He talks about missing home, wanting a dog, and the best places to get pizza. I don’t think he stopped talking for more than 30 seconds the whole way to Danny’s. I tried to comment as much as I could. At one point I even told him about Carly’s dog Lucky. TK adds a few comments here and there.

When we start down the street that leads to Danny’s, I suddenly can’t swallow. I keep trying to clear my throat, when we get out of the car. Engo hands me a water bottle and pats me on the shoulder.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

As I make my way through the woods to Danny’s, I’m trying to figure out what I’m going to say to him. I don’t think he’s mad at me. I mean, I didn’t do anything wrong. I haven’t talked to him since Saturday night but I don’t know if that’s because he didn’t call me or because I didn’t call him. And since I don’t know how I view it, I can’t guess how he does.

I approach the door to his gym and still don’t have a speech prepared. I just take a deep breath and throw open the door.

“Hi!” I figure if I sound excited and smile enough, he might smile back.

He does. “Hey, babe.” He makes his way over to me with his arms open. I wrap mine around his waist. “Where ya been?” He asks and holds me out at arm’s length. Smiling his gorgeous, familiar smile.

“Quitting school and preparing to move,” I tell him matter-of-factly.

“Oh really,” he steps away to adjust the weight on one of his machines. “Been busy?”

“Yeah,” I answer, suddenly feeling guilty. “I didn’t know if,” but I don’t know how to continue so I put my head down and bite my bottom lip.

“If what?” He asks, not looking at me. “If maybe I’d want to know that my girlfriend is making major life decisions without at the very least telling me about them?”

“I’m telling you now,” I say and immediately regret it.

He turns his head halfway in my direction. I look at the mirrored wall to my left to see his full face. He lowers his eyes to the ground. He doesn’t say anything.

“I didn’t think you’d care,” I tell him.

I’m still watching him in the mirrors. It isn’t just in his eyes now; his whole face looks like he’s been defeated. His shoulders slump a little. Like he’s ready to tap out.

He turns to face me and I think he might come to hug me and tell me he cares because he loves me. Instead he sits on a weight bench. He rests his elbows on his knees and lowers his head.

“What are you doing here?” He asks softly.

“I just…” Suddenly I’m so frustrated; I want to piss him off. “Are you talking to me or the ground?”

He raises his eyes to me but not his head. It makes him look angry; the way he’s looking at me.

“Sorry,” I say because I am, not because I’m afraid. I puff out my cheeks and blow air out. “I’m sorry I haven’t called you but you didn’t call me and I thought maybe you were mad at me still.”

His eyes go quizzical. “Mad?” He lifts his head and shakes it in confusion. “I was never mad at you, Carly.”

“How would I know that?” I ask and throw up my hands. “You were yelling at me. You were mean to Anne for no reason.”

“There are reasons,” he says and lays back on the bench.

I walk over and sit on the floor between his feet, facing him. I bring my hands up and rest them on his thigh, fingers laced together. He puts his hand on top of mine and traces a circle with his thumb.

“Is it Jordan?” He asks quietly.

“Is what Jordan?”

“Is he the reason you’re breaking up with me?” He sits up, grabs my hands in his and looks down at me.

“I’m not,” I shake my head. “Why would you think that?”

“I would if I were you.” He pauses. “Ben said he came here,” he pauses again like he’s waiting for me to say something. He continues when I don’t. “He told me you quit school and that you’re moving in with Rachel.”

“Why does he tell everybody everything?” I roll my eyes and stand. “Except me, of course.” I add with a sigh.

“He’s just looking out for you,” he says and stands with me. “So tell me about it.”

“Jordan drove Anne home and stopped over to make sure everything was okay. I said it was but Lucky took a liking to him and he drove all this way…” I let it hang there.

“And do you like him?”

“Of course I like him,” I nod. “He’s a good guy and that was nice of him to show concern for somebody he doesn’t know.”

“They’re coming today, you know,” he hints.

“Yeah,” I admit. “I left my hoodie in his car.”

“His car?” He raises his eyebrows. “Why were you in his car?”

“We went to the lake.” I keep my eyes on his hoping they don’t show guilt or fear.

He nods and bites the inside of his cheek.

“It wasn’t anything like that, Danny. It wasn’t even a thing,” I reach for his hand and he lets me take it. “I just felt awkward and he was throwing the ball for Lucky and we were talking about stupid things and I didn’t know what to do so I asked if he wanted to go to the lake.”

“You say he doesn’t know you but that’s a sure sign that he wants to,” he swings my hand back and forth a little. Maybe to show that he’s not mad at me.

I shrug.

“Maybe that’s not such a bad thing for you,” he suggests.

“What isn’t?” I scoff like I’m not interested.

“That a good guy wants to get to know you,” he says and pulls me to him.

I wrap my arms around his familiar waist and tuck my cheek against his familiar chest. He wraps his arms around me and kisses the top of my head.

“I love you,” I tell him and breathe in his familiar scent.

“I know you do,” he says and sniffs my hair.

“So don’t be stupid.” I smack his ass and laugh.

He backs out of our embrace. “You’re beautiful,” he says and I feel myself blush for some reason. “You deserve a guy who isn’t stupid.”

“Maybe so but I love you and we’re not having this discussion,” I tell him and touch his arm. “Least of all about Jordan Staal.”

“What about Jordan Staal?” I hear a voice behind us ask.

I close my eyes and curse the world. Silently. Then I just take a deep breath and turn to see Danny walking over to greet Tyler who’s peeking around the door.

“Oh nothing,” Danny covers for me. “We were just talking about the season. Nothing you guys want to talk about.”

Chapter Twenty-one

"Why the hell didn't you call me back," Letang yells into the phone. "I was practically in Anne's car getting ready to drive over there to see if you got yourself killed."

"I appreciate your concern," I tell him but it's a lie.

"Don't get like that," he huffs.

"Like what exactly?"

"'I appreciate your concern,'" he mocks my voice but it doesn't sound like me. "Seriously. Is everything okay?"

"Shouldn't you be busy fucking instead of obsessing over me?" I can't help it. I always manage to somehow take things out on him. Besides, this is really all his fault.

"Call me tomorrow," he says and hangs up. He's used to my abuse.

But honestly, I do sort of blame him for these feelings I'm having for a girl I don't know. A crazy girl who has a boyfriend, to boot. If he would have just let it go, I'd be somewhere else right now instead of driving thirty or forty or however many miles home in the pouring rain with a soaking wet passenger seat and dog fur in my backseat. I'd probably sleeping in a bed somewhere with or without arms and legs draped all over me.

Maybe she is actually crazy. I’d never considered that before. Why else would her family treat her like she could break at any moment. Oh what am I talking about? The only thing I do know about her family is that they didn’t find it necessary to tell her that her boyfriend is a pill popper. Well that and her brother’s girl likes to party. I bet she’s a good time in bed, that Rachel. She’s always smiling and she has the right kind of curves in the right places. Why couldn’t I have caught her in an awkward moment? Not only would I be in a different place right now, I’d be in a different state of mind too.

-------------

“Who was that,” my father’s voice startles me.

He’s sitting on his chair in the living room with a book in his lap. He won’t admit it, but he’s been waiting up for me. He’s done it all my life.

“That,” I sit on the coffee table. Lucky sits at my father’s feet. “Was Jordan Staal.” What’s the point in lying?

“Oh,” is all he says but it has a question mark at the end.

“Yeah. He said he was coming by to make sure I was okay,” I try to laugh like I think it was stupid of him to come by but it comes out more like I think he’s a prince in a fairy tale.

“And why would you not be okay?” He’s not prying. He already knows.

“Does Ben tell you everything,” I try to sound irritated but I’m not.

“Yes.”

“Danny got mad at Anne and made her get out of the car. Jordan had to take her home,” I sigh.

“That was nice of him,” he says simply and picks up his book. He just looks down and goes back to pretending he’s reading.

“Dad?”

“mm hmm,” he doesn’t look up.

“Do you think I should break up with Danny?”

“Probably,” he says like he’s been waiting for me to ask.

“Well you didn’t even hesitate. Why didn’t you say anything before,” I ask softly and look down at my fingernails. They need re-painted. The soft pink polish is starting to peel.

“Is everything okay?” Still not looking at me.

“Yeah,” I pick at my nail polish. “I mean, not really but he hasn’t hit me or anything.”

“Is that the line,” he asks and finally puts his book back down and looks at me.

“What? I don’t understand the ques…”

“Is that the line?” He leans forward and puts his elbows on his knees. “The line that he has to cross before you break up with him. You won’t break up with him unless he hits you?”

“No,” I’m becoming quite confused and starting to think I’m dreaming. “No, I mean, there are other lines.”

“You’re allowed to not be in love with him, Caroline,” my mother’s voice says from the stairs.

I sigh heavily and cover my face with my hands.

“I do love him.” It comes out muffled through my palms.

“You’re soaking wet,” my mother observes.

“I like the rain.”
“She likes the rain.”
We say it at the same time, me and my father.

“Well you still need to dry off when you come in the door,” she says and turns to go back up the steps. I hear drawers opening in my bedroom.

My dad leans back in his chair and Lucky puts his head on his leg.

“You can love somebody without being in love with them,” my father says as he’s rubbing Lucky behind his ears.

“I know, but…”

“But what?” My mother asks from the stairs. She tosses a pair of pajamas at me. Capris and a buttoned shirt. She always buys me pajamas and I don’t usually wear them. I prefer t-shirts and shorts or sweats. I play with the buttons on the top. “There’s no but here. We didn’t tell you something we should have told you because we wanted to protect him.” She snips out ‘him’ in the same way she said Claudia’s name like its poison.

“What happened,” I ask them, pulling at the threads that hold the buttons on.

“Before or after he tried to kill himself,” my father asks in a whisper.

“He didn’t…” I start to protest

“He did!” My mother shouts.

“So you keep things from me because you think I’m going to start taking pills too? I’m not that sheeplike!”

“Yes, you are!” My mother shouts some more.

“Caroline,” my father says calmly. “Olivia…”

“No,” I stand and throw the pajamas on the couch in one swift motion. “For the ten millionth time, I will not try to kill myself if I get upset. I get mad. I break things. I cry. I can’t live in bubble wrap because I get upset sometimes. If things don’t work out with Danny, I’ll find another guy that things won’t work out with. I’ll be fine. It’s the fucking circle of life or whatever.”

My dad smiles at me. “That’s not what that is.”

“For her it is,” my mother says and goes to the kitchen. “I’m making tea.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean,” I call after her.

My dad winks at me and shakes his head. I puff out my cheeks and blow out air.

“I should move out,” I tell him and watch his eyes go wide.

“No,” he pats my knee and stands. “You should not.” And he goes into the kitchen. Lucky starts to follow him but stops and looks back at me.

I wave him on and start toward the kitchen behind him.

“We can’t keep having these conversations where nobody ever says anything. I’m an adult. I can find a job and move out,” I say casually and sit at the table.

My mother scoffs and my father taps her on the butt with his book. Then he comes over to the table and sits beside me.

“You, my little angel,” he takes my hands in his, “are still in school and you have to save up some money before you can…”

“I’ll find a roommate,” I plead. “And I’m quitting school.”

Neither of them says anything. They’re not surprised.

“Maybe I’ll go back at a later date.” I wait for a protest but none come. “Maybe I can move in with Rachel until I find a place of my own.”

My mother still hasn’t turned from the stove. My father now has his arms crossed on the table and he’s buried his head.

“Am I talking to myself?”

Lucky barks on cue.

“I just don’t want to have this conversation right now,” my dad says like he’s exasperated.

The teapot whistles.

------------

She left her hoodie in my car. I carry it inside with me and toss it onto the couch. Then I just climb in my bed still wearing all my clothes and lay there staring at the ceiling. I should call Letang back. I don’t mean to be such an ass to him all the time. He’s just so easy to be mean to for some reason. He gets it though. He knows I’m not mad at him. I should start taking out my frustrations on Engelland. Maybe he’d just punch me to shut me up. Or Orpik. Yeah maybe Orpik. I’ll call Tanger in the morning. I’ll set my alarm so I can call him before he calls me. It wouldn’t be a good idea for him to call and wake me up. I’m not always very pleasant when somebody wakes me up.

It’d probably be a good idea to find some ice tomorrow. Lacing up my skates should help my mood. Not that I’m in a bad mood or anything like that; I just need to focus on things I can control. I get a feeling it’d be pretty tough to try to control what’s going to happen or not going to happen with Carly.

My phone rings and I have a quick debate over whether or not I’m going to answer it. But it’s Tanger, so I do.

“Hey man, sorry,” I say when I answer.

“Hi,” he says questioningly. “Sorry for what?”

“For being such an ass,” I climb out of bed and go to the kitchen.

“Oh,” he hesitates. “That’s fine. Anne said she thought you should be home by now.”

“So you’re checking up on me,” I say teasingly.

“Yeah. Sorry man. I just wanted to make sure you got home safely. I know you were tired and that’s a drive.”

“Don’t apologize, Tanger. I appreciate your concern.” I remember our last conversation. “Truly. I do appreciate it.”

“You wouldn’t be in this mess if it wasn’t for me harping on you about her so much,” he says softly.

“Mess? I’m not in a mess. I’m fine. I mean, I’ll be fine. You know how it is; sometimes you just want something that’s out of reach.” I grab a bottle of water from the refrigerator and hop up on the counter.

“Out of reach,” he questions.

“Yeah, you know, she has a boyfriend and they seem good together. As soon as I get her sweatshirt back to her…”

“Why do you have her sweatshirt?”

“She left it in my car,” I answer simply.

“Why was she in your car?”

“Oh I guess I didn’t tell you about my visit with her…”

“No, you were too busy being huffy,” he laughs.

“Her dog liked me instantly so we went to the backyard to play and then we went to the lake.”

“You and the dog?” Kris laughs at his own joke.

“And Carly,” I reply.

“And?”

“And what?” I know what he’s getting at but I’m a jerk, so I make him ask specifically.

“What happened? What was the conversation about? Was there flirting?” There’s a lot of rustling on his end of the phone so I have a feeling Anne is listening in now.

“Nothing really happened. We sat on a bench then it started to rain so I drove her back.”

“You didn’t talk at all,” he prods.

“A bit… about anchors and stuff… nothing really. Can we talk tomorrow? I’ll call you when I wake up.” I’m not getting into it with Anne listening.

“Sure,” he says. He sounds relieved. He probably doesn’t want to talk with her listening either. “I’ll probably be home by the time you wake up,” he laughs.

“Take it easy on Anne tonight,” I tell him. “Or tell her to take it easy on you. I want to get on ice tomorrow.”

“That’s a good idea,” he says dreamily. Nobody loves the ice more than Kris. Well except maybe Sid.


------------

The next two days fly by and before I know it, it’s Tuesday and the boys are supposed to come by to work out with Danny. I want to get my hoodie from Jordan but I don’t know how I’d explain that to Danny. Not that I’m even sure he’s still speaking with me. I haven’t talked to him since we got home Saturday night.

I spent most of Sunday hanging with Lucky. I gave him a bath and walked him around the lake. In the evening he lay on my bed and listened to me talk about Jordan. I’d been thinking about him all day and I had to tell somebody how I was feeling. There is something natural about being with him. Sharing the step with him in the back yard, the bench at the lake and the front of his car; it all felt very comfortable.

Yesterday, I spent the day quitting school. That felt natural and comfortable too. I’ll find a job and volunteer at the animal shelter. I talked to Rachel about moving in with her until I could afford my own place. She loved the idea. She loved the idea so much she drove over after work with a bunch of boxes. She has an extra bedroom that is actually used as an extra bedroom. A spare for when guests stay over. Most people, I thought, turned those into “offices” or “gyms”. I’ve stayed there several times after too much drinking or after she had a fight with Ben or I fought with my parents. Actually, I’ve stayed there so often, the room is practically mine already. Our plan is to bring Lucky along and convince the landlord later that he’s no worse than a small dog (her townhouse allows cats and small dogs) and certainly better than a cat. I’m hoping that by the time it’s a problem, if it becomes one, I’ll have plans to move out already.

My parents aren’t exactly thrilled with me quitting school but they didn’t try to stop me. They know there’s no use. They convinced me to wait until the weekend to move out. They’re not exactly thrilled about that either but they know I have to grow up. I have to “learn to be responsible” and yadda yadda yadda. It’s been a while since my mother has said that to me but I know she still thinks it all the time. They spoil me so I think she sometimes blames herself that I’m a loser.

I finish getting dressed and look at myself in the mirror. I don’t want to look like I put a lot of effort into what I look like. Sometimes that takes work. Grey cut-off sweatpants, white t-shirt, white flip flops, my hair pulled carefully into a messy ponytail, and makeup carefully applied to make my skin look naked. I grab my lip balm and head out the door.

I start the walk through the woods and realize I have no idea how I will be greeted by my boyfriend.