Chapter Twenty-one

"Why the hell didn't you call me back," Letang yells into the phone. "I was practically in Anne's car getting ready to drive over there to see if you got yourself killed."

"I appreciate your concern," I tell him but it's a lie.

"Don't get like that," he huffs.

"Like what exactly?"

"'I appreciate your concern,'" he mocks my voice but it doesn't sound like me. "Seriously. Is everything okay?"

"Shouldn't you be busy fucking instead of obsessing over me?" I can't help it. I always manage to somehow take things out on him. Besides, this is really all his fault.

"Call me tomorrow," he says and hangs up. He's used to my abuse.

But honestly, I do sort of blame him for these feelings I'm having for a girl I don't know. A crazy girl who has a boyfriend, to boot. If he would have just let it go, I'd be somewhere else right now instead of driving thirty or forty or however many miles home in the pouring rain with a soaking wet passenger seat and dog fur in my backseat. I'd probably sleeping in a bed somewhere with or without arms and legs draped all over me.

Maybe she is actually crazy. I’d never considered that before. Why else would her family treat her like she could break at any moment. Oh what am I talking about? The only thing I do know about her family is that they didn’t find it necessary to tell her that her boyfriend is a pill popper. Well that and her brother’s girl likes to party. I bet she’s a good time in bed, that Rachel. She’s always smiling and she has the right kind of curves in the right places. Why couldn’t I have caught her in an awkward moment? Not only would I be in a different place right now, I’d be in a different state of mind too.

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“Who was that,” my father’s voice startles me.

He’s sitting on his chair in the living room with a book in his lap. He won’t admit it, but he’s been waiting up for me. He’s done it all my life.

“That,” I sit on the coffee table. Lucky sits at my father’s feet. “Was Jordan Staal.” What’s the point in lying?

“Oh,” is all he says but it has a question mark at the end.

“Yeah. He said he was coming by to make sure I was okay,” I try to laugh like I think it was stupid of him to come by but it comes out more like I think he’s a prince in a fairy tale.

“And why would you not be okay?” He’s not prying. He already knows.

“Does Ben tell you everything,” I try to sound irritated but I’m not.

“Yes.”

“Danny got mad at Anne and made her get out of the car. Jordan had to take her home,” I sigh.

“That was nice of him,” he says simply and picks up his book. He just looks down and goes back to pretending he’s reading.

“Dad?”

“mm hmm,” he doesn’t look up.

“Do you think I should break up with Danny?”

“Probably,” he says like he’s been waiting for me to ask.

“Well you didn’t even hesitate. Why didn’t you say anything before,” I ask softly and look down at my fingernails. They need re-painted. The soft pink polish is starting to peel.

“Is everything okay?” Still not looking at me.

“Yeah,” I pick at my nail polish. “I mean, not really but he hasn’t hit me or anything.”

“Is that the line,” he asks and finally puts his book back down and looks at me.

“What? I don’t understand the ques…”

“Is that the line?” He leans forward and puts his elbows on his knees. “The line that he has to cross before you break up with him. You won’t break up with him unless he hits you?”

“No,” I’m becoming quite confused and starting to think I’m dreaming. “No, I mean, there are other lines.”

“You’re allowed to not be in love with him, Caroline,” my mother’s voice says from the stairs.

I sigh heavily and cover my face with my hands.

“I do love him.” It comes out muffled through my palms.

“You’re soaking wet,” my mother observes.

“I like the rain.”
“She likes the rain.”
We say it at the same time, me and my father.

“Well you still need to dry off when you come in the door,” she says and turns to go back up the steps. I hear drawers opening in my bedroom.

My dad leans back in his chair and Lucky puts his head on his leg.

“You can love somebody without being in love with them,” my father says as he’s rubbing Lucky behind his ears.

“I know, but…”

“But what?” My mother asks from the stairs. She tosses a pair of pajamas at me. Capris and a buttoned shirt. She always buys me pajamas and I don’t usually wear them. I prefer t-shirts and shorts or sweats. I play with the buttons on the top. “There’s no but here. We didn’t tell you something we should have told you because we wanted to protect him.” She snips out ‘him’ in the same way she said Claudia’s name like its poison.

“What happened,” I ask them, pulling at the threads that hold the buttons on.

“Before or after he tried to kill himself,” my father asks in a whisper.

“He didn’t…” I start to protest

“He did!” My mother shouts.

“So you keep things from me because you think I’m going to start taking pills too? I’m not that sheeplike!”

“Yes, you are!” My mother shouts some more.

“Caroline,” my father says calmly. “Olivia…”

“No,” I stand and throw the pajamas on the couch in one swift motion. “For the ten millionth time, I will not try to kill myself if I get upset. I get mad. I break things. I cry. I can’t live in bubble wrap because I get upset sometimes. If things don’t work out with Danny, I’ll find another guy that things won’t work out with. I’ll be fine. It’s the fucking circle of life or whatever.”

My dad smiles at me. “That’s not what that is.”

“For her it is,” my mother says and goes to the kitchen. “I’m making tea.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean,” I call after her.

My dad winks at me and shakes his head. I puff out my cheeks and blow out air.

“I should move out,” I tell him and watch his eyes go wide.

“No,” he pats my knee and stands. “You should not.” And he goes into the kitchen. Lucky starts to follow him but stops and looks back at me.

I wave him on and start toward the kitchen behind him.

“We can’t keep having these conversations where nobody ever says anything. I’m an adult. I can find a job and move out,” I say casually and sit at the table.

My mother scoffs and my father taps her on the butt with his book. Then he comes over to the table and sits beside me.

“You, my little angel,” he takes my hands in his, “are still in school and you have to save up some money before you can…”

“I’ll find a roommate,” I plead. “And I’m quitting school.”

Neither of them says anything. They’re not surprised.

“Maybe I’ll go back at a later date.” I wait for a protest but none come. “Maybe I can move in with Rachel until I find a place of my own.”

My mother still hasn’t turned from the stove. My father now has his arms crossed on the table and he’s buried his head.

“Am I talking to myself?”

Lucky barks on cue.

“I just don’t want to have this conversation right now,” my dad says like he’s exasperated.

The teapot whistles.

------------

She left her hoodie in my car. I carry it inside with me and toss it onto the couch. Then I just climb in my bed still wearing all my clothes and lay there staring at the ceiling. I should call Letang back. I don’t mean to be such an ass to him all the time. He’s just so easy to be mean to for some reason. He gets it though. He knows I’m not mad at him. I should start taking out my frustrations on Engelland. Maybe he’d just punch me to shut me up. Or Orpik. Yeah maybe Orpik. I’ll call Tanger in the morning. I’ll set my alarm so I can call him before he calls me. It wouldn’t be a good idea for him to call and wake me up. I’m not always very pleasant when somebody wakes me up.

It’d probably be a good idea to find some ice tomorrow. Lacing up my skates should help my mood. Not that I’m in a bad mood or anything like that; I just need to focus on things I can control. I get a feeling it’d be pretty tough to try to control what’s going to happen or not going to happen with Carly.

My phone rings and I have a quick debate over whether or not I’m going to answer it. But it’s Tanger, so I do.

“Hey man, sorry,” I say when I answer.

“Hi,” he says questioningly. “Sorry for what?”

“For being such an ass,” I climb out of bed and go to the kitchen.

“Oh,” he hesitates. “That’s fine. Anne said she thought you should be home by now.”

“So you’re checking up on me,” I say teasingly.

“Yeah. Sorry man. I just wanted to make sure you got home safely. I know you were tired and that’s a drive.”

“Don’t apologize, Tanger. I appreciate your concern.” I remember our last conversation. “Truly. I do appreciate it.”

“You wouldn’t be in this mess if it wasn’t for me harping on you about her so much,” he says softly.

“Mess? I’m not in a mess. I’m fine. I mean, I’ll be fine. You know how it is; sometimes you just want something that’s out of reach.” I grab a bottle of water from the refrigerator and hop up on the counter.

“Out of reach,” he questions.

“Yeah, you know, she has a boyfriend and they seem good together. As soon as I get her sweatshirt back to her…”

“Why do you have her sweatshirt?”

“She left it in my car,” I answer simply.

“Why was she in your car?”

“Oh I guess I didn’t tell you about my visit with her…”

“No, you were too busy being huffy,” he laughs.

“Her dog liked me instantly so we went to the backyard to play and then we went to the lake.”

“You and the dog?” Kris laughs at his own joke.

“And Carly,” I reply.

“And?”

“And what?” I know what he’s getting at but I’m a jerk, so I make him ask specifically.

“What happened? What was the conversation about? Was there flirting?” There’s a lot of rustling on his end of the phone so I have a feeling Anne is listening in now.

“Nothing really happened. We sat on a bench then it started to rain so I drove her back.”

“You didn’t talk at all,” he prods.

“A bit… about anchors and stuff… nothing really. Can we talk tomorrow? I’ll call you when I wake up.” I’m not getting into it with Anne listening.

“Sure,” he says. He sounds relieved. He probably doesn’t want to talk with her listening either. “I’ll probably be home by the time you wake up,” he laughs.

“Take it easy on Anne tonight,” I tell him. “Or tell her to take it easy on you. I want to get on ice tomorrow.”

“That’s a good idea,” he says dreamily. Nobody loves the ice more than Kris. Well except maybe Sid.


------------

The next two days fly by and before I know it, it’s Tuesday and the boys are supposed to come by to work out with Danny. I want to get my hoodie from Jordan but I don’t know how I’d explain that to Danny. Not that I’m even sure he’s still speaking with me. I haven’t talked to him since we got home Saturday night.

I spent most of Sunday hanging with Lucky. I gave him a bath and walked him around the lake. In the evening he lay on my bed and listened to me talk about Jordan. I’d been thinking about him all day and I had to tell somebody how I was feeling. There is something natural about being with him. Sharing the step with him in the back yard, the bench at the lake and the front of his car; it all felt very comfortable.

Yesterday, I spent the day quitting school. That felt natural and comfortable too. I’ll find a job and volunteer at the animal shelter. I talked to Rachel about moving in with her until I could afford my own place. She loved the idea. She loved the idea so much she drove over after work with a bunch of boxes. She has an extra bedroom that is actually used as an extra bedroom. A spare for when guests stay over. Most people, I thought, turned those into “offices” or “gyms”. I’ve stayed there several times after too much drinking or after she had a fight with Ben or I fought with my parents. Actually, I’ve stayed there so often, the room is practically mine already. Our plan is to bring Lucky along and convince the landlord later that he’s no worse than a small dog (her townhouse allows cats and small dogs) and certainly better than a cat. I’m hoping that by the time it’s a problem, if it becomes one, I’ll have plans to move out already.

My parents aren’t exactly thrilled with me quitting school but they didn’t try to stop me. They know there’s no use. They convinced me to wait until the weekend to move out. They’re not exactly thrilled about that either but they know I have to grow up. I have to “learn to be responsible” and yadda yadda yadda. It’s been a while since my mother has said that to me but I know she still thinks it all the time. They spoil me so I think she sometimes blames herself that I’m a loser.

I finish getting dressed and look at myself in the mirror. I don’t want to look like I put a lot of effort into what I look like. Sometimes that takes work. Grey cut-off sweatpants, white t-shirt, white flip flops, my hair pulled carefully into a messy ponytail, and makeup carefully applied to make my skin look naked. I grab my lip balm and head out the door.

I start the walk through the woods and realize I have no idea how I will be greeted by my boyfriend.

Chapter Twenty

Somehow I’m not surprised when I hear a car pull into the driveway. I hope my parents are still awake because there’s no way to keep Lucky from barking.

“Be quiet, Lucky,” I tell him and pat my leg for him to walk with me. He growls the whole way to the front of the house.

I wasn’t surprised to hear a car pull in but I am surprised to see that it isn’t Ben or Rachel. I don’t recognize the car but it’s fancy. My mouth falls open when I see that it’s Jordan. He’s just sitting there. Maybe he’s afraid of Lucky.

“It’s okay, buddy. It’s just Jordan.” I pat Lucky on his head and he looks up at me. He has no idea who Jordan is.

I watch him watch me walk over to the driver’s side of the car and he opens the door. The second he gets out of the car and closes the door, Lucky runs over to him and jumps on him, pushing him against it.

“Hey buddy,” Jordan says to Lucky with no fear. Lucky appreciates that. I can tell by the wag of his tail.

“Hi,” he finally says to me. “I was sent here to check on you.”

“Did you take Anne home,” I ask and he nods. “Thanks.”

“No problem. So,” he blows air out from between his lips. “How are you? Everything okay?”

“Yeah.” I don’t know what else to say but I have to say something. He drove all this way. “Sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye when we left the party. We tried to make sure we saw everybody but…”

“No, no. It’s okay,” he says with a wave of his hand.

Neither of us says anything. Lucky is dying to wrestle with Jordan. Jordan’s roughing him up, play-pushing him.

“You want to go to the backyard,” I ask with a directional point of my thumb. “Looks like Lucky wants you to play.”

He doesn’t say anything; just nods his head and follows my lead. Lucky runs ahead of us and runs through the open gate to his fence. I wait for Jordan to come in and then I close the gate behind us.

“So thanks for stopping by,” I say awkwardly. “This is really sweet of you.”

“Yeah,” he says and wipes his hands on his shorts. “Anne thought you might need somebody to talk to.” He cringes a little after he says it, like he’s not sure if he should have.

“That’s weird,” I reply. His eyes shift away from me and his expression changes a little. “Oh,” I catch what I said. “I don’t mean it’s weird that I would want to talk… to you.”

“Oh no, I know what you meant,” he looks back at me and I think I might see a little bit of relief in eyes. “Weird that she would… that it was her that said… that Anne said I…”

“Right,” I interrupt to relieve him some more. “Like weird that she would care. Or know, even.”

“Sorry if it’s wrong for me to stop by.” He throws the ball for Lucky and wipes his hands on his shorts again. “I had to m… I wanted to see if you were okay.”

“Yep,” I smile.

--------------------------------------

When I pulled into her driveway and saw the light on in the backyard, I froze. I was clutching the steering wheel with both hands so tightly my knuckles started turning white. I was watching them change color when I saw her walking towards me. She has her hair pulled back now and I was watching her ponytail swing from side to side while she walked. Her big, dumb dog walking alongside her trying to be threatening. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I love dogs. Boxers always have that look though. I just sat there in my car until she came to rescue me from being creepy.

I’m tossing the ball around the yard for Lucky and my palms keep sweating. I want to know if I can help her in some way. If I could date her in some way. If I could sling her over my shoulder and carry her into the woods to fuck her. I want to know anything. Something. Everything.

But she says she’s fine and why would she open up to me anyway. So I just say, “Alright. I guess I’ll go.” I wipe my hands on my shorts again. “Long drive home.” I smile, hoping she’ll ask me to stay.

“Or you could stay,” she says and looks down. “I mean, if you want to. Lucky seems to like you and it is still pretty early.” She looks down at her wrist and then around the yard like she’s looking for something. “I guess it is. I don’t know… do you know what time it is?” I shake my head. “Probably about midnight, huh? But that’s still early. Do you want a water or a Pepsi or something? Wine? I don’t know if there’s beer in…”

“Water would be spectacular,” I tell her mostly to get her to stop talking so fast. She keeps waving her hands around too. Probably something she does when she gets nervous. I’m supposed to be here to calm her down though, not to make her nervous. But wait. Spectacular? Water would be spectacular? Oh motherfuck I am an idiot. I sigh and smile as she walks past me and into the house.

Lucky stops in the middle of the yard and looks at the door. He drops his ball and tilts his head.

“She just went to get me some spectacular water,” I tell him and he looks at me and tilts his head again. “Yeah, I don’t know why I said it either.”

“That reminded me of an episode of Friends,” Carly says from behind me. “When Chandler was stuck in the lobby with that model. ‘Gum would be perfection’. That’s what he told her. Spectacular water. Perfect gum.” She giggles and hands me the bottle. Then her eyes go wide like something startled her. “Not that I’m comparing you to Chandler or me to a model…”

“I saw that episode,” I ease her. “The One With the Blackout,” I say just to share my Friends knowledge. She smiles.

“So you’re a friends geek too,” she says and sits on the step.

“No,” I sit beside her. “Well, I mean, I’ve seen some of them and I remember some of the titles. I couldn’t run dialogue from every episode.”

“I couldn’t either but a lot of things remind me of episodes.” Her voice starts to trail off at the end like she’s bored with the conversation.

“Are you okay out here?” She asks and waves her hand toward the house. “We could go inside.”

Her parents live here though.

“Nah,” I shake my head. “It’s nice out.”

“We could go to the lake,” she suggests brilliantly.

“Oh wow. I would love to do that,” I answer honestly.

“It’s kind of a long walk,” she says. “And we’d have to walk past Danny’s house and I don’t know how he’d feel about…”

“I’ll just drive us over,” I interrupt to keep her from talking about Danny’s feelings.

“But Lucky…”

“Can ride in the backseat,” I finish her sentence.

She bounces up from the step and runs in the house. Lucky drops his ball in the yard again. Poor guy.

“Want to go to the lake?” I ask him and he sprints over to me and tackles me.

I’m lying on my back with him on top of me when Carly comes back out with his leash and a zipper hoodie.

“Guess you told him he was going somewhere,” she laughs.

-------------------------------------------

I don’t know what I’m doing with him here, at the lake. The lake we have been hanging around since we were kids. It feels like a betrayal. Or it does when I’m not looking at Jordan. He looks like he belongs here. Sitting on the bench looking at the stars reflecting off the still water. Sitting beside me.

“I’ll miss this place so much,” I blurt to break the silence.

“Miss it?” I broke his concentration. He looks from the water to my face. He’s leaning forward and the palms of his hands are pressing down and he's gripping the edge of the bench. I can’t tell if he’s thinking of using the bench to push off of or if he’s using it to hang on.

“Yeah,” I answer, still looking at his hands. “I know I can’t live at my parents’ house forever. Same pink bedroom I’ve had since I was three or however many years old.” I leave the conversation there and look up at his face. His eyes invite me to talk more. “I’m afraid to leave, I guess.”

“Afraid?” Heaven help me, he’s beautiful.

“I don’t know,” I pause because I really don’t know how to explain it to him. “I guess I’m afraid I’ll forget who I am.”

“Who you are isn’t connected to where you live,” he tells me sincerely. But he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. How could he?

“I feel free to be myself here.”

“So you are afraid to grow up?” He asks me… or sort of asks.

“No. I’m afraid that when I leave here,” I don’t know what else to say; how to finish the sentence. “I’m afraid when I leave here… my home… that I’ll become somebody else.”

“How so,” he asks and sits back. I turn towards him and put my left knee on the bench.

“I don’t know. I guess I feel grounded here.” I don’t know what to do with my hands so I fold them in my lap. “Maybe I am afraid to grow up. Or like if I leave there won’t be anything to,” I can’t think of the word so I bite my bottom lip and pick at my cuticles.

“Anchor,” he says. I look up at him and our eyes meet.

“Right,” I peel my eyes away from his. “Like there won’t be anything to hold me down.”

“And you’ll just float away,” he says like he gets it.

Our eyes meet again and I nod. I want to touch his face so I look down at my hands.

“Does Danny do that for you,” he asks quietly. “Ground you?”

I think for a minute and shake my head.

“He’s familiar,” I confess.

“You can talk to me,” he offers. I look over at him and he’s looking at the water again. Lucky’s lying on the ground at his feet.

“You made a friend,” I say and he looks down at Lucky.

“I hope I made two.” His eyes move from Lucky to me.

“Yeah,” I confirm. “You’re a good guy, Jordan Staal.”

He nods in agreement. “But don’t tell anybody,” he squints at me.

I make like I’m using a key to lock my lips and throw the key in the lake. There’s a rumble of thunder.

“Key made a loud noise when it hit the water,” Jordan jokes.

----------------------------------


I feel a drop on my arm so I suggest we get her back home.

“We should go,” I stand up and grab Lucky’s leash. He stands with me without question.

We start walking the short distance to the car. She’s walking beside me with her arms crossed in front of her. Maybe she’s cold. Her hoodie never made it out of the car.

“Thank you,” she says and bumps me with her shoulder.

“Anytime,” I answer with a bump back. “And I mean that.”

I let Lucky in the backseat and get behind the steering wheel just as the skies open. I look over to the passenger side and Carly’s standing about fifteen feet from the car. Her arms are spread open wide and her head is tilted all the way back. She’s soaking wet before I even push the button to put the window down.

“What the fuck?” I yell.

“I love the rain!” She yells back.

Lucky barks.

“This girl is nuts,” I tell him. He barks again. “Yeah you know that already.”

“I’ll pop the trunk. There should be a towel or blanket or something back there,” I yell out to her because I’ll be damned if I’m stepping out in this.

I dread the rain. I hate walking in it. I hate driving in it. I hate the smell of wet things… most wet things. Especially though, I hate thunder and lightning and how it scares some kids and dogs. We had a dog when I was growing up that was terrified of thunderstorms. We tried everything to calm him down. Nothing worked. I guess I grew up hating thunderstorms and that grew to me hating rain altogether.

But watching this girl stand in the rain could change my mind. She’s not making a move to get in the car. I wonder what it feels like to wear soaking wet cowboy boots.

“Stay in the car,” I say to Lucky and get out to check the trunk. Towel, blanket, umbrella, spare shirt. Good shape.

I open the umbrella and hold it over my head and carry the towel over to her.

“Carly, come on,” I say and offer her the towel.

She giggles and leaps towards me, splashing in a puddle. I hold the umbrella out as much as I can and she steps under it.

“Sorry,” she looks up at me. We’re about six inches apart, face to face, sharing an umbrella.

“For what?”

“Standing in the rain like a lunatic,” she laughs. “And that puddle was a total accident.”

“You’re wet,” I inform her and wrap the towel around her shoulders. My hand rests on her shoulder for about five hours too long.

She’s still looking in my eyes as she bites her bottom lip. I don’t think it’s meant to be seductive but if I don’t step away…

“Let’s get you home so you can change.” I guide her to the passenger side door.

“Oh Jordan, I don’t want to get your car all wet,” she turns back around to me.

“It’ll dry,” I smile at her. “Just get in.”

She lays the towel carefully on the seat and gets in. Lucky barks at her.

My phone vibrates in my pocket on my way over to the driver’s side. I figure it’s Letang so I just let it go to voicemail. He can add two plus two.

“We’ll have to go back there one day when it’s dry,” I suggest after I get back in the car.

“Oh for sure,” she says happily. “We have so much fun there.”

“Doing what?” I cringe because I’m afraid of the answer.

“Oh you know,” she giggles. “Nothing really.”

Neither of us says anything on our way back to her house. The ride feels like it takes too long to not say anything. It doesn’t, of course, it’s maybe a minute or two.

“Sorry about your car,” she says and pouts out her bottom lip.

“No big deal,” I smile.


--------------

His smile could be my undoing. I have to get out of the car so I just open the door and jump out. Jordan reaches back to pat Lucky on the head before I give his leash a yank and he jumps out behind me.

“Thanks for stopping by,” I bend over to give him a smile and a wave before I close the car door and run to the backyard.

If you’d have told me a week ago that I would feel this strongly about a guy I didn’t know yet, I’d have told you that you’re crazy. But here we are. It makes me feel insecure somehow. Unstable. Like my head and my heart are turning on me. Who can you trust if you can’t trust yourself?

I guess the argument could be made that we all know a little something about public figures so when we meet them we feel like we know them already. But not like this. Not like I want to climb into his lap and nuzzle my face in his neck. And somehow I feel like he would be totally okay with me doing that.

I’m in the house before I realize I left my sweatshirt in his car.

Chapter Nineteen

"What do you mean what now? Now nothing," I shake my head and remove myself from the corner. I scurry through the crowd looking for Danny.

Jordan has a crush on me. I feel like Bella when Edward gave her the time of day... or like a thirteen year old. My heart is jumping and the butterflies are doing somersaults all through my stomach.

I find Danny talking with Brooks Orpik. He smiles at me and raises his arm for me to crawl under. What am I thinking? I love him. I wrap my arms around his waist and fit my shoulder in his armpit. He kisses me on top of my head.

I don't hear what they're saying; Brooks and Danny. I don't hear what they're saying because I'm straining to hear the conversation Deryk is having with Jordan about twenty feet away. I can't hear anything they're saying and all I can see is Jordan's back. Literally. All I can see is Jordan's back. He stretches his arms above his head and his shirt lifts. I close my eyes.

-------------

"What's the difference, man," I ask Engo.

"What do you mean? I'm genuinely interested in working out with this guy. I figured you would want the opportunity to get to know the girl," Engo shrugs.

"His girl," I remind him.

"Yeah but we don't know what's going on there," he tilts his bottle in their direction. I know they're behind me talking to Orps. I can't look at her right now though so I chose to face this way. "She's staring at you, my man. Maybe she thinks you're too tall for me to see over or something. Or maybe she thinks I don't notice where her eyes are." He takes a gulp and shakes his head slightly. "Her eyes are fixed right on you. They have been."

"I don't know, man," I growl and stretch. This is exhausting. "I can't be that guy. Me and Heather..."

"unh uh," Deryk interrupts. "Those were different circumstances. Don't go there now."

Letang walks over to us without anybody attached to him.

"Where's your date?" I ask him glad to have a new topic of conversation.

He shrugs and looks around the room.

"I really like her," he says quietly. He shifts his eyes from me to Deryk and back to me again waiting for an objection.

"Cool," Deryk says and clinks his bottle against Kris'. I do the same and smile. Far be it from me to mention that I think she's evil and has giant teeth. He can look out for himself.

"Don't get hurt," is all I say.

"Incoming," Kris says and steps aside.

Danny and Carly step up to us. She's firmly placed under his arm. He stands so she's right beside me. I shift my weight to my right leg, away from them. Deryk and Danny talk. Letang chimes in but Carly and I stay silent. Deryk keeps glancing over at me. All I can hear is my heart pounding in my chest. All I can smell is the sex they were just having. It's nauseating me. I'm uncomfortable. Deryk elbows Letang slightly and points his head slyly to the sliding glass doors.

"Hey Jordan, I wanted to show you this thing," Kris stammers. "... outside."

"Right," I say. I give a three-fingered wave with the hand that has a death grip on my beer bottle and walk out the door.

Thank God for drunk Geno because I'm able to laugh at his stories for the rest of the night. Blissfully unaware what she's doing and with whom. Not that the second part is a mystery. Or the first part. Seems like all they ever do is fuck. I sure have a lot of nerve being jealous of a guy that was her boyfriend for who knows how long before I even met her. I just can't help it. When you know, you know. Or when you think you know, you want to find out. And it's hard to find out when I can't see this girl without her boyfriend around.

----------------

I feel like I'm swallowing, breathing and blinking too loudly the whole time Jordan is standing there. I imagine that he didn't mean to move away from me when we walked over to them. Nevertheless it made me nervous. Like he doesn't want me around.

Then Deryk mentions Jordan's name and suddenly I can hear their voices.

"Are you all coming?" I ask.

He shakes his head. "Oh I don't know. Jordan and Kris are the only ones I've really talked to about it. I hope that's okay." He's looking at me though.

I shrug. "Not my gym."

"But we'll be stealing your guy for hours at a time," Deryk winks at me again.

"She won't miss me," Danny laughs and bumps his hip against me.

"hmm mmmm. Nope, I won't," I kid. "But what do you mean you'll be stealing him? I'm allowed to watch, right?"

"Sure, if you can stand being around a bunch of hot, sweaty guys," Deryk laughs.

I tickle Danny's side and he squints at me playfully.

"Hot being the key word there," I giggle.

"Oh gee, how will she ever stand it," Danny asks and rolls his eyes.

The rest of the night goes this way. Danny and I walking around, his arm around me, talking with different guys on the team. We never approached Jordan again and he never approached us. I’ve been unable to shed the feeling that he’s actively avoiding me.

Anne smiles a lot when she’s with Kris. Who wouldn’t? He’s beautiful and his personality is warm and inviting. Just one smile and you feel special. I can obviously see what she sees in him. And frankly, he looks happy to be with her too. I’m trying not to judge because I really don’t know her well enough to think that makes him stupid.

Ben and Rachel left an hour ago and asked us if we would mind taking her home. I’m driving so I took the liberty to tell them it would not be a problem.

We say our goodbyes to everybody. Well, everybody except Jordan because he’s “taking a leak”.

The second the car doors close, Danny sits sideways in his seat.

“Why are you hanging around us,” he spits at Anne.

She doesn’t react the way I would expect. She just leans back against the backseat and sighs.

I suddenly feel the need to defend her. “What are you talking about, Danny? She’s just…”

“I’m not talking to you, Carly,” he spins his head towards me. “I’m asking Anne here why she’s in my car. Hanging around my best friend.” He turns his head slowly back towards her. Like he’s daring her to open her mouth to answer.

“You are a crazy person,” she says calmly.

“I’m crazy,” he says in a raised voice. “Are you fucking kidding me you psychotic bitch?” He turns his head back to me and laughs. “I’m crazy,” he says like he isn’t being the crazy one.

“Unless your best friend is Kris Letang all of a sudden, this is coming out of nowhere,” she tells him. He opens his mouth but I interrupt.

“Danny, she didn’t do anything wrong,” I say in what I’m hoping is a soothing voice. But I guess it’s not because it doesn’t work.

“She didn’t do anything wrong,” he asks and I shake my head. “She’s inviting herself to parties and following me around.”

I look back at her and she’s shaking her head and rolling her eyes.

“Babe, I don’t think that’s what she’s do…”

“Why are you speaking for her? You don‘t speak for her!”

I jerk back from the shock of him yelling at me.

“Don’t you dare yell at her you fucking loser,” Anne speaks up and leans forward. He turns his head and she glares at him.

“Don’t you dare treat her the way you treated me,” she points her finger at his face and then jabs him in the chest with it. I feel like hiding my face in my hands.

He gets out of the car and lifts the seat forward.

“Get out,” he tells her.

Before she does though, she leans towards me.

“Don’t leave yet. I don’t want you driving all that way alone with him,” she tells me in a low voice.

“I’ll be fine,” I tell her. He would never hurt me. “It’s fine.” That’s what Ben said. “Will you be okay?”

She looks in my eyes for what feels like ten minutes and nods. “I’ll be fine,” she sighs.

“Get out,” Danny says again.

She looks at me again and touches my arm on her way out of the car.

-------------------------------

I’m sitting in Max’s front room. His “parlor” he calls it. Geno is getting ready to leave and I’m listening to one last story. The door opens and Anne walks through it. I wait for Carly to walk in behind her but she doesn’t.

“Hi,” she says softly and turns to me. “Sorry. Do you know where Kris is?”

“Kitchen,” I tell her. “You okay?”

And she bursts into tears.

I step up to her and put my hands on her shoulders. She throws her hands over her face and shakes her head. I bend down and she looks in my eyes.

“She shouldn’t be with him.” She’s shaking her head pretty vigorously and I can feel the whole room go tense. “Not right now. He’s no good right now.”

“I…” I don’t know what to say. “Go get Kris,” I tell Cookie and he goes.

TK comes over and puts his arm around Anne. She collapses against him.

“I’m so sorry,” she says. “I’m overreacting. Nothing happened really. He just asked me why I keep following him around.” She lifts her head and laughs. “Like he’s the reason I wanted to come here tonight.”

Kris hurries over to her and she leans her forehead on his shoulder. He puts his arms around her and pets her head.

“Do you need a ride home,” I ask. I’m not sure why because I’d surely get lost on my way back. Letang will probably come with me though.

“I do, yes, but I can’t ask you to do that,” she says to me without looking at me. When she does though, a look of sincere appreciation washes over her face.

“You didn’t,” I tell her and pat my pockets looking for my keys. “You want to ride with me so I don’t get lost,” I ask Kris.

“Of course,” he nods. “There’s no hurry though, right?” He presses his cheek against Anne’s head that is resting on his shoulder again. Her eyes move to mine. I shake my head. Not because I’m saying no hurry but because I’m telling her no.

“We should go,” she says to me. I shake my head again.

“Okay,” Kris says and walks back towards the kitchen. I assume it’s to say goodbye to everybody.

“Everything fine?” I’d forgotten Geno was still standing there. Everybody else had cleared out.

Anne smiles at him and nods. He hugs her. He turns to me, shakes my hand and gives me a half hug.

“You fine?” He asks me.

“Yeah man,” I tell him. “We’re all good.”

He nods and walks away. Kris hugs him on his way back to us. They linger for a few seconds too long because it gives me a chance to ask Anne something.

“Why are you so intent on me being this girl’s hero?”

“Electricity,” she says and smiles at Kris who is beside me now.

“Electricity?” He tilts his head.

“Yeah,” she says and slides her hand in his. “Sometimes it’s like magic.”

Kris furrows his brow in confusion.

“Sometimes the currents are so strong you can get jolted just by being in close proximity,” she tells him but she’s looking at me.

“Whatever,” I say and walk out the door.

---------------------------------------

Danny doesn’t say a word to me the whole way home. Every time I try to say something, he puts his hand up.

I pull into his driveway and get out of the car. He walks towards his house without looking at me. So I walk home through the woods.

I stop about halfway and sigh heavily. I stand there for a minute just trying to think of things I should have done differently tonight. First of all, I shouldn’t have been imagining it was Jordan kissing my neck. Jordan inside of me. Maybe Danny could sense that. Maybe that’s why he was so upset.

I open the back door and Lucky jumps out, practically knocking me over. I sit on the step and he runs over to get his ball. I absent-mindedly throw the ball for him several times and then I hear the door open.

“How’d it go,” my dad asks.

“It was fun. We had a good time,” I answer without turning to him. I smile just in case he can see through the back of my head.

“I’ll be awake for a little while if you want to talk,” he offers.

I don’t know how he knows.

“About what,” I ask him and throw the ball for Lucky again. “It was really pretty uneventful.”

“Except for hanging out with a professional hockey team for the second time in a week,” he says.

“Yeah. Except for that.” I smile and turn my head to him a little but quickly turn back towards the yard.

“Okay,” he says. “Well I’ll be up for a while anyway. Even if you don’t want to talk.”

I hear the door close. I rub Lucky’s sides playfully and coo at him.

“Who’s a good boy?”

He tosses his ball at my feet.

---------------------------------------------

We pull up to Anne’s house. Nice house. Quaint, I think is a good word for it. I can’t be sure but I think she lives not too far from Danny.

“Hold on,” she tells me and jumps out of the car. Kris moves to get out too.

“Whoa there, boy,” I tell him like he’s a horse. He looks at me.

“What,” he shrugs. “She said she’d take me home in the morning.” He winks at me.

“I don’t know how to…”

Anne is shoving a contraption through my window. Scares the crap out of me.

“She’ll be outside with Lucky,” she tells me as she’s punching an address into the GPS. “You should really get one of these,” she smiles and attaches it to my windshield.

“Why,” I ask her. “I have him.” I point my thumb towards Letang. He laughs and gets out. They meet around the front of my car and join hands.

“Wait,” I tell them. They stop and walk around to my window. “Do you really think I should go over there?”

“Yes,” Anne smiles.

“But what if she’s not there?”

“She’s there,” she answers.

“What if she doesn’t want to see me? I don’t want to look like a crazy stalker.”

Anne leans her forearms on my window.

“Jordan. Listen to me. She needs to talk to somebody. I’m not that person and neither are her parents. I know she’s outside with her dog right now because that’s what she does. He is her outlet. He calms her.”

“How do you know,” I ask her.

“I’m more observant than she is,” she says and leans in to kiss my cheek.

“I don’t know,” I shake my head. “I don’t think I should.”

Kris leans down now.

“You should,” he says and pats my shoulder.

I drive to the end of Anne’s street.

“Please turn left,” the GPS tells me. So I turn right even though I have no idea how to get home. I feel like defying the woman on the GPS. At some point I’ll pull over to punch my address in.

“At the next light, please turn right,” she says. I go straight.

“At the next light, please turn right,” she insists. I give in and let myself get directed to her house.

Chapter Eighteen

What was that supposed to mean? ‘See more of each other,’ he said; like it was a dare or something. Or maybe it’s just my mind racing about that bit of skin I saw between his shorts and shirt. I’m not sure why he’s having such an effect on me anyway. I try to remind myself that this is the guy I blame all Pens losses on. Even when he wasn’t playing… because then they lost because he wasn’t playing. But now here I am getting all flustered at a peek of his skin. What would I do if I ever saw him without a shirt? The thought gets me all jumpy and I feel like my palms are starting to sweat, so I drop Danny’s hand. And anyway, it’s not like I’ll ever see him without a shirt.

Danny and I walk around kind of aimlessly, mingling with different groups of people. His grip tightens on me whenever we approach new people. Sometimes his arm is draped over my shoulders and his hand grips my right shoulder. Sometimes he’s holding my hand, our fingers woven together, and the pressure of his grip makes my fingers straighten so I have to push my fingertips back against his hand.

I notice that it seems like every time I remember to pay attention, he has a full beer in his hand. I make a mental note of it even though I don’t know if it matters. I mean, I can drive us home. And really if nobody else is concerned that a drug addict is drinking too much, who am I to scold him about it? Besides, I’m a little afraid to bring it up.

A small sigh escapes my mouth. I bring my bottle up to my mouth and consciously take a sip instead of a gulp.

Deryk walks over to us, shakes Danny’s hand and claps him on the shoulder. I brace myself for the pressure against my knuckles but the squeeze doesn’t come. Even when Deryk leans in to kiss my cheek, Danny is relaxed. Deryk has a calming effect on him. Funny that the one guy here that could give him a run for his money in a fight is the only one that makes him feel comfortable.
“Hi Deryk,” I smile at him and he winks at me.

“Hey man, when do you think I can come work out with you?” Deryk’s question makes me brace myself for the tension again. But again it doesn’t come.

“Any time you want. Just give me a call,” Danny tells him. I think maybe I hear excitement in his voice.

The two of them start talking and I excuse myself to the bathroom. I’m in an empty hallway before I realize I don’t know where to go. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. The fact that there’s nobody else within ten feet of me makes me feel better. I relax my shoulders and drop my head.


----------

There are so many people at this party now that I lost track of Carly. I keep looking over the tops of people’s heads trying to catch a glimpse of her. There are five or six girls in a tight circle around me. They’re giddy and drunk. I’ve tried to convince myself a few times to pick one of them but just can’t bring myself to do it. Not that they aren’t pretty enough. They’re just not her.

“Excuse me,” I push myself through the small, giddy circle.

“Promise you’ll come right back,” one of them calls after me.

I give them a thumbs up but don’t turn around. “Not happening,” I mumble to myself.

I turn the corner to walk down the hallway to Max’s bedroom. He has a private bathroom in there that nobody is supposed to use. I’m not nobody so I figure I can.

And there she is.

I’m struck dumb so I just stare at her back. Her head is slumped and she’s rocking it from side to side. All of her hair is draped over her right shoulder and the skinny straps on her dress reveal the skin I’ve been longing to touch, to kiss. The smooth skin on her left shoulder is particularly inviting.

I try to be quiet so I can watch her. I stop breathing just in case it’s too loud.

She brings her right hand across her chest to rub her left shoulder. I want to do it for her.

She drops her hands to her sides and spins around.

“Hi! I was looking for a bathroom and got a little crimp in my neck,” she says cheerfully. She’s not cheerful though. Her eyes give her away. Even in a dark hallway.

I want to walk towards her but I feel cemented in place again. This girl makes me stupid.

-------------

I sense somebody coming towards me while I’m standing in the hallway. I feel like an idiot just standing there rolling my head around like some mentally deranged person.

I know it’s Jordan before I turn around. I don’t know how, but I can feel that it’s him. I let that sink in for about 100 years too long before I turn around.

“Hi,” I greet him happily because I am happy it’s him. I’m not happy that I’m happy it’s him but there it is. “I was looking for a bathroom and got a little crimp in my neck,” I tell him the truth. He doesn’t need to know that the crimp is from nerves. Or at least it was. It’s gone now.

“That’s how we met,” he says adorably. “I was looking for a bathroom.”

“We met and bonded over full bladders,” is my ridiculous response. We’re not bonded. I’m such a stupid girl.

“Want me to work it for you?” He finally takes a step towards me.

“Huh?” I have no idea what he’s talking about because nothing makes sense. Least of all the way he makes me feel completely at ease.

“The crimp in your neck,” he smiles. My heart races. “After I show you to the master bath, I mean.”

“Oh. No that’s okay. It’s all better.” I leave the rest unsaid, it went away because you calm me.

He stretches out his arm to direct me down the hall. His skin peeks through above the waist of his shorts. I resist the urge to fall to my knees or to reach out and trace my finger along his waistband. But my eyes stay glued. I’m aware that I’m staring but I can’t stop. My eyes refuse to move in case his skin shows again. I have to turn my whole body away.

“Thank you,” I tell him and start down the hall.

We approach a door and he says, “here,” as he’s reaching from behind me to push the door open. His arm grazes my shoulder and I feel myself gasp a little. His skin is hot against me. I feel like I start to sweat immediately.

The door opens to a huge bed and my eyes go wide. I may faint.

“uh… the bathroom is over to the right,” his voice shakes. “I’ll wait here,” he says and stays in the hallway. I open the bathroom door and hear him pull the bedroom door shut. I don’t know which side of the door he’s on.

I have to be in and out of this bathroom in one minute. I have one minute to remember how to breathe correctly. What is going on?

I rest my elbows on my knees and bury my face in my hands while I pee.

“Carly?” Danny’s voice comes through the door like somebody’s breaking it down.

Well. I’m exaggerating. He doesn’t yell or anything. I’m just surprised to hear his voice. Maybe I feel a little guilty.

“Yeah,” I answer. “I’m done. Just washing my hands.”

He opens the door and steps in. He comes toward me and waves a hand towards the door.

“You maybe should have locked that,” he laughs. “Unless, of course, you wanted him to follow you in.”

“I would have died!” I exclaim. It’s true.

“Think anybody would miss us if we stayed in here for a few minutes?” He asks with a gleam in his eye.

I walk over to the door, look over my shoulder at Danny and smile as I lock the door. He puts his hands under my dress to pull my panties down and I close my eyes. He lifts me onto the sink and I keep my eyes closed. He kisses my neck and pushes himself into me as far as he’ll go and I keep my eyes closed. I see Jordan’s face behind my closed eyes. I don’t know why it’s him. I don’t know where he came from but I’m not opening my eyes. I moan as Danny pushes a little deeper. I throw my head back with my eyes pointed at the ceiling in case they open by accident. I pretend the lips kissing my neck are Jordan's.

---------

Why does that guy always appear? Fucking Danny. I’d like to see this girl once without him around. Just once for more than one minute. I hear him open the bathroom door so I just leave. I don’t have to piss that bad anyway. Even if I did, I wouldn’t want to walk in there after they come out. I may never use that bathroom again.

“Yo Jordo!” A voice booms in my ear and a hand comes crashing down on my shoulder.

“’sup Engo?” My voice cracks.

“Whoa,” his eyes flash concern. “You crying, brother?”

“What?” I look at him like that’s the most absurd thing. “What do I have to cry about?” I bring my bottle up to my lips.

He shrugs. “Want to come with me on Tuesday?” He wags his eyebrows.

“Probably not,” I answer him after I swallow.

“No, you do. I’ll pick you up at eleven,” he says and walks away.

--------

I pull at the hem of my dress and open the bathroom door. Danny walks behind me with his hand on my back. I can’t look at him. I may never look at him again.

We go back to mingling and Danny squeezes my hand too tight.

“Where’s Lovejoy?” Rachel’s voice fills the room. She looks so comfortable. One more thing to envy her for.

She sees us and bops over.

“I’m borrowing her,” she tells Danny and pulls me away.

“I like Lovejoy,” she tells me as she’s dragging me around. “I’m still not sure how I feel about him as a player but he’s a great guy.”

I feel like she said that a little too loudly so I look around for Lovejoy. I don’t want him to be offended.

We fall into step and walk out onto the balcony. She pulls me into an empty corner.

“Jordan has a crush on you,” she blurts. “Don’t tell Danny.” Her eyes dart around. “Obviously.”

“What? He does not,” I roll my eyes but the butterflies are fluttering all around my insides. I swallow a squeal.

“I heard,” she pauses. “I overheard those exact words. Exact. ‘Jordan has a crush on that Carly chick.’”

“Thanks for telling me,” I say because what am I supposed to say.

“Of course,” she nods.

Neither of us says anything for a few beats.

“Now what,” she asks when I finally look at her.

gah

I hate July 1st.

yay Tyler.

But I am extremely and supremely sad about Mike Rupp. Gotta do what you gotta do. I will miss him.

And WTF Max??????? *siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

I'm hoping Shero goes out and gets me Carcillo!

Chapter Seventeen

Tonight is the party at Max’s. I’m feeling nervous about it for some reason. Maybe it’s because being around a lot of people puts me on edge. I always want to find a quiet corner to hide in. Danny and I are driving ourselves. I hope it doesn’t offend Anne, though I don’t know why I would care about that. Ben said she said Kris told her to dress casual, which is a good thing since I didn’t really give wardrobe any thought. Rachel is in my room doing her hair while I'm getting dressed. Her and Ben are at my house so we can follow each other there. I’m wearing a short summer dress with my cowboy boots. Rachel is dressed basically the same way but somehow looks way classier than I do.

Danny and Ben are there waiting when we come bouncing down the stairs.

“Hey there little ladies,” Danny says to us in his best cowboy accent. I walk up to him and curtsey and Ben cracks up. I stand on tiptoes and stretch myself up to kiss Danny and he slides his hand up under my skirt. I smack it away and yell goodbye to my parents.

“Don’t wait up!”

“Just come home before your dog gets worried,” my father yells back.

We follow Ben to pick up Anne and then to Max’s house. It takes us a while to figure out where to park. Danny and I walk hand in hand over to Ben’s car and the five of us walk together. Anne greets us with a shy smile and a small wave. Danny gives my hand a squeeze and I smile and wave back at her. Why he's so nice to her is and will always be a mystery to me.

Sometimes I think maybe she loved him in a way that I can't. To me he's a guy I've known forever and is my brother's best friend. We just decided to start hanging out in a more intimate setting than we used to. She went out of her way to be with him on two separate occasions. Meanwhile I find myself wondering if I'm with him because I don't have to put any thought into it. He's good looking and he's a good guy. I love him but am I in love with him. That's a question I have to explore. But then again if I have to explore it at all...

Danny snaps me out of that train of thought by saving me from getting hit by a bus. Literally.

"yikes," I say and give his hand a thank you squeeze.

"Please be careful, Carly." He shakes his head at me and sighs.

------------------------

Most of the guys are here already. The ones who planned on coming, I mean. Some of the guys are on vacation or back in their hometowns. She should be here any minute. I haven’t stop thinking about her since the first moment I saw her. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing I’m going to be seeing her again. I’m determined to make her see the connection though so I go over to Max’s stereo and pull up Adele on my iPod. When I turn away from the stereo to walk back to the couch where I was sitting, Kris is standing there. He rolls his eyes at me and plops himself on the couch beside TK.

“What the hell is this,” TK asks me.

“It’s Adele,” I shrug. “Girls like her.”

“At least one girl does,” Kris adds. TK nods because he knows what’s happening. I’ve talked to him plenty about Carly over the past week.

Before either of them can prod me about it further, Max comes stomping into the room and over to the stereo. He presses the stop button authoritavely. If we had been playing a record, he’d have dragged the needle across it.

“What the fuck, Staal? Did you hear this at the gay pride parade?”

“He put it on for his girl,” TK blurts.

“Pffft,” Max scoffs and waves his arm around the room, palm up. “What girl?”

“The MMA fighter’s girl,” Kris chimes and goes over to the stereo. He pulls his iPod out of his pocket and Max whips it out of his hand.

“No,” Max says to Kris. He calls up his “party music” mix on his own iPod and presses play. She Wants Revenge cuts through the air and Max again says, “No,” but this time it’s directed at me. “No way am I letting you piss off that guy. Are you fucking kidding me?”

Then he rolls his eyes at me and walks out the sliding glass doors muttering, “stupid motherfucking moron,” on his way.

“Who is motherfucking moron?” Geno, who has suddenly appeared beside me, asks and puts his arm around my shoulders.

“I am,” I tell him.

“Ah,” is all he says and he goes out the sliding glass doors laughing.

I lower my head and sigh because I don’t want to talk to Letang. It’s either that or out the sliding glass doors though. I see Max out there telling Cookie and Duper a story that I assume is about me having a crush on Carly, so I turn towards the couch. TK smiles at me and makes me glad he knows. Letang thinks he knows how I feel about Carly and how often I think about her but TK really does know because I tell him everything. He’s been a good friend to me over the past couple years and I’d hate to see him go to a different team. And now I’ve depressed myself so I lower myself dramatically on the couch with them.

“You would take less to stay here, right,” I ask Tyler and Letang smacks me.

I turn to give him a dirty look and he shakes his head.

“We’re not talking about that right now,” he scolds. “That’s for him to work out without you hounding him. Max too. You know better, Jordan.”

I lean my head back on the couch, ashamed of myself for needing to be scolded by the resident softy. I just don’t want Tyler to leave.

“You can put Adele back on,” Tyler suggests. “Max just doesn’t want to see you get hurt… physically or otherwise. But if you think that would make her feel more comfortable…”

“Nah,” I stop him and pull my head up off the back of the couch. “I thought it would be nice to try to make her feel a connection with me and short of carrying a puppy around, I’ve got nothing but Adele.” I let out a heavy sigh. “If you guys think I’m an idiot, you can tell me. I can take it.”

“I don’t,” Kris says. “And you couldn’t.”

Tyler nods in agreement.

"ugh," I sigh and lean my head back on the couch again. "I am a stupid motherfucking moron."

TK pats my knee, stands and walks out the sliding door.

"I'm going to miss him," Kris comments dismally and looks at him through the glass like it's the last time he'll see him.

"He's not going anywhere," I say. My tone is angrier sounding than I mean it to be.

We hear the doorbell. When it rings again, we notice that nobody is moving to answer it so Kris stands to open the door.

------------------------



There's nothing like standing in front of a door, ringing the bell and having it open to Kris Letang smiling. I want to pull it shut and ring the doorbell again just to watch him reappear. Amazing. He drags Anne into his arms and I can feel my shoulders collapse a bit out of jealousy. He's pretty. Maybe too pretty really. I look up at Danny and he puts his hand on my back to guide me through the open door.

Kris takes Anne's hand and guides her through a maze of people and out of the room we're currently in. What kind of room it is, I can't be certain. It's sort of just an open space with a few pieces of furniture. Couch, sofa table, and a stand in the same dark wood as the sofa table with a giant fishtank on it. It kind of looks like a waiting room. I picture girls scattered through the room waiting for their turn in the master bedroom and giggle to myself. Danny looks down at me and smiles but doesn't ask me why I'm giggling.

Rachel follows Ben, who is making a beeline for Tyler Kennedy no doubt. He'd probably rather be having talks with Tyler's agent, learning the ins and outs of free agency, but he likely hasn't been invited to this party.

I don't know where to go or what to do, so Danny and I just stand in the waiting room looking around.

--------------------------------------

My palms started sweating the second Tanger got up to answer the door. Something is telling me that she's here. I feel chained to the couch. Can't seem to stand. My right knee is bouncing and my fingers are peeling at the label on my beer bottle.

Somebody smacks me in the back of the head and I hear a familiar voice asking if he can put in some country music.

"Yes please change this shit," I tell Rupper. He whips out his iPod and Jason Aldean fills the air.

I'm watching Rupper when a small lady hand rests on my arm. I look over to see Anne smiling at me. I smile and turn back to Rupper. She's not my favorite person but I don't want to be rude. Especially since Tanger likes her.

She sits beside me on the couch and I look her over. She's not bad-looking necessarily but she has big teeth. She actually looks better when she's not smiling. Her teeth are nicely positioned though so who am I to criticize? She's wearing camouflage shorts, a frilly green top that shows an appreciable amount of cleavage and a pair of gold sandals. Her hair is pulled back in that way that looks effortless but probably took an hour to fix. If she asks me about Carly, if she says anything about Carly, I'm going to lose my mind.

"Carly's here," she says on cue. "We road together. Well, not together, I rode with her brother," she's starting to ramble so I have to interrupt her.

"Nice to see you," I tell her insincerely with a forced smile. I look around for Letang and that's when I see her walking this way. She's hand in hand with Danny but I don't even see him. She's wearing a little dress with those hardly there straps and cowboy boots. Her hair is flowing over her shoulders. I have to close my eyes because I feel like I'm staring. Problem is, when I close my eyes all I can picture is holding her hair back as I'm kissing her neck and shoulders. Good lord this girl.


I slap my hands on my knees and stand up. I reach my hand out for Anne and she takes it and stands beside me. "Let's go find Kris," I tell her. Then I act surprised to see Carly and Danny coming our way.



------------------------------



Danny and I make our way through the different flocks of people and finally find the back of the house. Somebody points us to the beer and we go grab a couple. Kris had said something about going out to the balcony to find Max, so that's where we are trying to get to. We just follow the music and end up in the room with the sliding glass doors. And Jordan fucking Staal. Somehow I had managed to forget how incredibly gorgeous he is. My knees feel like they go a little weak and I hope Danny doesn't notice. Anne is standing there with Jordan and they're facing our way. I smile and wave.


Jordan's smile looks forced though. It almost offends me until he turns to look at Anne and his eyes glaze over with contempt.

Danny takes a step towards him and holds out his hand. Jordan shakes it.

"Nice to see you all again," Jordan says and turns to me. His smile looks real this time. I try not to stare at him but his shorts are hanging low and his t-shirt is barely long enough so whenever he moves a certain way, a bit of skin peeks through. I catch myself licking my lips so I take a drink. Maybe if anybody noticed they'll assume I was just thirsty and not day dreaming about licking Jordan Staal's hip flexors. Then he leans in, puts one of his giant hands on my shoulder and kisses my cheek.

"Hi," I mean to say but it's more of a squeak. An involuntary giggle flutters out of my mouth and I force myself to look away.

"Did you all have any troubles finding a place to park," he asks as he takes a few steps sideways away from Anne. My eyes deceive me and follow him. He looks to be in a noticably better mood than he was at first sight. His eyes are so blue I feel like I've been transported to a Caribbean beach.

"No," Danny's voice breaks my concentration, "not really. We brought two cars so we were trying to find somewhere that we could at least park on the same street."

"You and Carly drove separately," Jordan asks. His voice has a tone to it. An eager tone?

Danny laughs. "No. We drove ourselves. Ben and Rachel brought Anne."

Jordan nods knowingly and it makes me smile. He's seen this girl twice and he already doesn't like her. I have to force myself to look away from him again.

I shake my head at myself and turn my head to look out on the balcony.

"There's Kris," I say to Danny and we make way to the sliding door.

"Nice to see you, Jordan," I tell him without looking at him.

"I'm sure we'll see more of each other tonight," he says with a laugh.

Chapter Sixteen

I feel like I’m the only sane person in the world. At least in my world. Everybody I know, who supposedly loves me, knew about Danny’s problems with pain killers and nobody thought it was necessary to tell me. My brother, my best friend, my closest ally, tells me Danny hurt his ex-girlfriend and then thinks it’s funny that I’m afraid of the same thing happening to me. My boyfriend, the drug addict, gets mad at me for asking about his drug addiction… well, okay that part isn’t so crazy. But my parents, my PARENTS, know everything about his problems, didn’t tell me, and have no issues with me spending all my time with him. And Rachel…

Before my mind can go on a tirade about Rachel, she’s walking towards me in the woods.

“I just wanted a few minutes alone with you,” she says and grabs my hand.

We walk a few yards, holding hands, neither of us saying anything and then she turns her head to me and obviously she wants to say something but she isn’t sure which words to use.

“Why did you want to be alone with me,” I nudge.

“I guess I feel bad about not telling you the truth before this,” she says quietly.

“You guess?” That part irritates me because, of course she should feel bad.

“We all knew you and Danny would end up together one day, you know,” she says it like I do even though I don’t.

I shake my head. “No, I didn’t know that. Why?”

“Because they have all been watching the way he looks at you forever. Ben pointed it out to me shortly after we started dating and it’s all you can see when you know it’s there. You know? Like lace curtains; it’s all lacey pattern until somebody says the one spot looks like a clown face and then suddenly all you can think of are clowns when you look at the curtains. Or that guy in Ben’s building that looks like a rabbit. But anyway, it started after that… well, I guess that part isn’t for me to tell because it was before my time with you all.” She stops and looks at me with a slight smile. “None of this is for me to say really.”

Then she starts walking again and she’s waving her hand around like she’s trying to erase the conversation. She bites the inside of her cheek and stops again to pick up a leaf. She’s twirling it around in her fingers, not saying anything, still looking like words are hard to come up with.

I’m about to poke at her because I’d like to know where this is going, when Ben appears with Lucky.

“I figured it made sense to just meet you guys. As soon as I got his leash out, he started dragging me this way. He probably watched you come this way earlier. You didn’t need anything at the house, did you, Carly?”

He’s talking a mile a minute and Lucky’s freaking out trying to get to me so Ben unlatches his leash. Then I guess the conversation I was having with Rachel is over because I’m focused on my dog, Rachel and Ben are talking about some movie they just watched and we’re on our way back to Danny’s.

I want to know where Rachel was going with the story though. Lace curtains and guys who look like rabbits don’t really seem relevant to anything that’s happening right now. She got me to thinking about when we were little and I fell in the lake. I don’t want to think about that so I’m kind of relieved the conversation was halted. But I’m thinking about it anyway. Everybody blamed Danny for a long time, like he pushed me in. Ben finally got everybody to believe us that I slipped and fell into the water. I couldn’t swim really well yet and if Ben wasn’t as quick as he was, I might have drowned. Or at least that’s what everybody acted like. I think I probably could have managed. We were walking along the outside of the lake, the three of us. Danny didn’t want me there that day. I tagged along with them anyway though because I didn’t like to be away from Ben. So Danny walked in between us; keeping space between me and my brother as a sort of punishment. I slipped and fell into the water and he froze in surprise. Ben jumped in and pulled me out. I cried because I was scared. Danny went to get his parents and Ben tried to calm me down so I didn’t hyperventilate. Claudia and Mitch called my parents and drove over. Danny was blaming himself, saying he should have let me walk in the middle or on the other side of Ben but he was mad because he didn’t want me to follow them around that day. A few hours later, my mother was on the phone telling my grandparents that the neighbor boy pushed me into the lake even though he knows I can’t swim. That was why Danny always let me hang around after that. So he could make sure nothing bad happened to me.

Ben whacks me with a stick and starts laughing, breaking me out of my unwanted trip down memory lane. Nothing about that memory helps me right now. Or, I don’t know, maybe it does. Danny has lived practically his whole life making sure nothing bad ever happened to me, so why would I think he would ever be a bad thing that happened. I find a stick bigger than the one Ben just smacked me with and bend to pick it up. I hold it like a sword and spin around on him. We’re sword-fighting with sticks and Lucky’s flipping out so Rachel finds one to throw for him. Seems like that’s the way it always happens with me. Everybody just prioritizes my knowledge for me. If there’s something they don’t think I need to know, they don’t tell me. In the back of my mind, I know that’s how we got in this mess in the first place. But I just go with it and by the time we get back to Danny’s, I’ve forgotten about everything I wanted to talk about.

Danny sees us coming and starts running so Lucky will chase him. They dive into the pool together.

“Wow!” Rachel exclaims. “I wish we had a camera.”

We make a day of grilling hot dogs and playing around outside. The weather is perfect. The atmosphere is relaxed. The conversations of earlier are, of course, not brought up again.

The next few days go by like they normally do. Danny is training for another fight and this time I can feel everybody getting tense about it. I guess now that I know about the pills it's easier to notice. If he hurts himself during this fight... well, we'll have to try water therapy or something. I don't know what I'll do if he ends up in rehab again. I've become pretty dependant on him. He's become part of my every day and I don't know how I would fill the space that would be left empty. I guess that's pretty selfish of me but I feel secure with him around. It's comforting to know somebody is there loving you. No matter what Danny's problems are, I do know that he loves me. Maybe someday Rachel will tell me more about why everybody found it necessary to keep secrets from me. I hope she will because it doesn't really seem like anybody else wants to be the one to do it.

Thursday afternoon, Ben is at Danny's when I get there.

"Hey Broom," I greet him with a hug. Then I walk over to Danny and wrap my arms around his waist. He smiles that smile at me, drapes his arm over my shoulders and kisses the top of my head.

"So Anne called and asked if she could ride to the party with us," he informs. He must have had this conversation with Danny already because he doesn't say anything or look at all surprised.

"Whatever," I shrug. "It probably makes more sense than making her drive by herself. But what about Tara?"

They both laugh and Danny answers, "I guess she wasn't invited."

"But Anne was?" I'm a little surprised Kris liked her enough to ask to see her again. But I'm probably a little biased when it comes to her.

"We could drive ourselves," Danny suggests.

"Oh wait just a second," Ben shakes his head. "You're going to leave me and Rachel alone in a car with Anne?"

"She's not an actual witch, Ben," Danny says coolly. "She's a good girl who makes some questionable decisions."

"Dramatic decisions," Ben adds.

Danny cocks his head to one side and crooks his mouth. "Maybe but it's better than making her drive herself. You know she'll drink and if Kris doesn't take care of her..."

"Right. I understand the reasoning," Ben sighs. "I don't know. I guess Rachel can probably control the conversation in the car and then we don't have to think about her until we're ready to leave."


----------------

We pull up to that same old dungeon gym and go inside. The nice thing about this place is that there’s never anybody else here. It’s dirty and smells bad though so I know we aren’t the only ones who work out here.

“I thought we were going to work some ice today,” I’m a little irritated and it comes out in my voice. “If I’d have known we were just coming to this shithole again, I’d have stayed in bed.” I shoot a glare at Engo. “Or I wouldn’t have answered the phone at all.”

“meh,” is all he can manage to say and Tanger laughs like he just told a joke.

“So are you sure Tanger won’t get jealous if you start dating that Danny guy,” I say trying to make him do some verbal sparring. He could work on it anyway. People aren’t going to be afraid of his fists forever. But he just laughs.

“He’s free to date whoever he wants,” Kris says into the shirt he’s lifting over his head. “Can’t help but notice you bringing her up again though.” He slicks his hair back with water, puts his Pirates cap back on and smirks at me.

I turn away from him trying to avoid eye contact. “Whatever man. I was talking about Deryk’s fascination with the dude.”

“Maybe that’s the real connection here,” Deryk says in a serious tone. “Me and Danny, not you and Carly. That’s what this is all about.” Then he busts out laughing. “Please don’t tell my wife,” he adds with an eyeroll.

“If you were gay,” Kris laughs, “you’d want a guy that’s weaker than you. You’d date one of those pretty boys.”

“You mean a guy like you?” I ask with a slight tilt of my head and a raised eyebrow. Engo cracks up.

The whole time we’re working out, I’m thinking about her. I don’t want these guys to know that though. They don’t need to know I can’t stop seeing her everywhere. She’s like a ghost haunting my every thought. I might have to do what they suggested and just go out and get laid. Maybe that way I’ll be able to hold my thoughts of her off for a little while. Or at least until Max’s party. Maybe I will find out we have nothing in common. Or maybe the chemistry was imagined. We were out somewhere in Bumfuck Egypt, who knows what they put in the water out there. Maybe it was all some mind game played on me by some of the guys. It’s not unlike them to do something like that. Put something in my beer, like some mind-altering drug. Well okay. That’s a little overboard. A LOT overboard. They obviously wouldn’t drug me. But fucking Letang would hypnotize the shit out of me if he knew he could. I don’t know why she’s fucking with me so much. All I do know is there is something about her that just got to me. She’s beautiful but it’s beyond that. There was something in her eyes. When I looked into them, it was like I looked into her soul. Or maybe I was looking at my own soul reflecting back to me.

I don't want to be here right now, in this gym, with these guys, and that doesn't seem fair because these guys are good to me. Sure they give me a hard time but ultimately, they're just looking out for me. They care what happens to me. They want me to be happy just like I want them to be happy. Deryk is probably the one that wants happiness most for all of us. He's so happy with his wife. They're perfect together and he thinks everybody could have that. I've tried to tell him that everybody should have it but I'm not sure everybody could. People spend their entire lives searching for somebody to be intimate with. And I don't mean physical intimacy. That's pretty fucking easy to come by. I mean the intimacy that comes with knowing you are sharing life with the one person in the world that totally and completely gets you. I want that intimacy. I think most people probably want that intimacy. I just have no idea how to find it. Do you have to look for it? Do you have to want it? I think maybe you have to want it to recognize it when it shows up. Probably a lot of people force it. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be with somebody just because I want to get laid or because I think they love me... or they think they do. I want to be with somebody because I don't know how to be without her. That's what Engo has.

I hate dating. Most girls try too hard. From the clothes she wears to the things she says. The calculated artificiality is the hardest thing to get beyond. At what point does the girl stop being fake? When do you really start to get to know her? How long does it take before she lets you see who she really is? So going to some bar and picking up some girl to take home to fuck is not my thing. I don't like to be the reason people get hurt feelings. If I don't connect to a girl, I'm not going to call her again and that makes me feel bad. So I guess it hurts my feelings.

It is very cool to meet a girl by accident. Watching a girl doing her thing, being herself completely, when she doesn't know you see her is probably the best way to meet a girl. That's how you know she's being herself, when she doesn't know you're there to lie to.

These aren't things I thought about before I met Carly. This girl is making me crazy.

Chapter Fifteen

This isn’t exactly how I expected the conversation to go. I didn’t even have to figure out how to start it. I'm thanking Anne in my head as I’m rubbing Danny’s shoulder.

“Look at me,” I say, trying to make this easier somehow.

He looks at me and there are tears in his eyes. He swipes them away with the back of his hand. And now I’m angry at myself again because I know I will forgive him for lying… or withholding the truth. Same difference.

“I hurt my back in high school,” he starts. I have to figure out how long I’ll make him talk before I tell him I already know. I’m not sure yet, so I let him continue.

“Our family doctor gave me something mild to help with the pain. It did help for a few days but after that the pain was unbearable so I asked around. I found a guy who could get me things. Stronger meds that my doctor wouldn’t prescribe. I took whatever he gave me for as long as they lasted me. Sometimes I’d buy ten pills that would last me a month. Sometimes ten pills, the same pills, would only last a few days.”

He’s looking at the water again. I’m waiting for him to start talking again, still running my hand up and down his arm. After a few minutes, he looks at me.

“I’m not sure what else to say,” he says softly.

“Keep going. I know there’s more.” I cringe a little because I didn’t mean to phrase it quite that way. I don’t want to pressure him but I want him to continue. He immediately makes me regret my choice of words more than I already do.

He’s looking at me like he wants to stick my head in the pool and hold it under water. Then he just stands up and jumps in. The water splashes all around me and soaks the deck underneath me. I figure it’s better than getting drowned by my boyfriend, so I just stand up, shake off and move over a few feet.

“I’m sorry, Danny,” I yell so he can hear me. “I wanted you to talk to me about it. I just didn’t know how to start the conversation.”

He swims over to where I’m sitting and rests his arms on the deck in front of me. He just watches me for what seems like an hour. I’m wiping the water from my face over and over again before I finally realize the wetness is from my tears.

He reaches out and touches my foot. I pull it back and gasp a little. His mouth falls open like he wants to say something but instead he pulls his hand back and covers his face with it.

He lets out a heavy sigh and reaches out his hand again and lays it beside my foot.

“So you’re afraid of me now,” he asks as he inches his hand over until just his thumb can reach the top of my foot.

I shake my head real fast from side to side.

“No, of course not,” I tell him like that’s the most crazy thing. His thumb is tickling my foot and I’m using all of my willpower not to pull away again. “That tickles,” I say and giggle.

He half smiles and moves his hand so it is resting on my foot. His fingers are lying around my ankle. He’s not squeezing or holding my ankle, it’s nothing like that but still for whatever reason I don’t want his hand there. I’m still using all of my willpower not to pull away, but this time it’s not because it tickles. He must be reading my mind because he squeezes a little to get my attention. I can feel my eyes go wide as they dart from his hand to his face.

“I would never hurt you,” he says. His eyes look like they’re going to start watering so he lets go and ducks back into the pool.

“I know,” I call after him.

Neither of us says anything else so I just sit there and he keeps doing laps in the pool. After several laps, he hops out of the pool and sits beside me. He quickly notices the puddle of water forming underneath him and hurries to grab a towel.

“Sorry,” he says and puts the towel in between us. I shift my eyes from the towel to his face and give him a weak smile. “Why don’t you go get Lucky,” he suggests, reaching for my hand. “It’s a beautiful day and we don’t have anything planned.”

Having Lucky around makes me feel better. He’s always so happy to be with me… would never let anything hurt me. Just thinking of having him with us brings a smile to my face. I nod and move to stand but I can’t stand yet because Danny’s still holding my hand, maybe so I can’t run away. My eyes are drawn immediately to his hand gripping mine. He’s not hurting me in any way but I can feel my eyes widen involuntarily.

He releases my hand, looks away and nods.

“Okay then,” he says in a cheerful voice that sounds fake, “I’ll finish up my laps while you grab Lucky. Maybe we’ll grill hot dogs. Spend the day outside.”

He stands and holds out his hands to help me up. I’m trying to smile but I’m not sure if my face is doing what I want it to so I lean in to kiss him on the cheek. He moves his face so our lips touch and I smile for real.

The second he kisses me, I know with absolute certainty that he would never hurt me. I’m just being ridiculous because of Anne. I can’t believe he ever hurt her and wonder why she would say that he had.

On my way to get Lucky, I call Ben.

“Hey Munch, how’d it go?” He asks me with brotherly concern.

“Uh,” I don’t know what to say… which seems to be the norm for me these days. “I found a note from Anne so that got the ball rolling.”

“A note from Anne? Where,” he asks and then Rachel takes the phone from him.

“What note,” she asks.

“I found a note at Danny’s scribbled on a piece of paper, like a piece of paper ripped off something. It just said ‘you have to tell her’. So I waved it in his face and asked him about it. Then he told me a little about the pills but we got off track.” Off track? Is that what happened?

“Off track,” she repeats.

“yeah. I guess I was poking and he got uncomfortable.” It’s crazy that I can’t even remember what happened now.

“He got uncomf… Ben, I don’t… I can’t even,” Rachel says huffily. Then there’s a rustling and I can hear her muffled, “I can’t.”

And Ben’s back on the phone. “Are you afraid of Danny, Carly?”

“No,” I say quickly. “I mean, I’ve never been before. There were a few times today though that I felt like maybe he was going to hold my head under water.”

Then Ben laughs.

“Is that funny,” I ask him because I can’t imagine how.

“If there is one person in the entire world that Danny would never lay a finger on,” he hesitates, “well, it would be me but if there are two people in the world…” He’s still laughing.

“Great,” I kind of bark. “So tell me how to not be afraid of my boyfriend.”

“You just have to know that he won’t hurt you. Would never. How do you not know that, Carly?”

“How do I not know… oh I don’t know maybe because you told me he hurt Anne.”

“Anne is a drama queen,” he informs. “Now I’m not going to say he didn’t put those bruises on her wrist but…”

“What but?” I yell and kick the ground.

“Rachel,” Ben says and she’s back on the phone.

“Carly, where are you,” she asks.

“In the woods. I’m going to get Lucky and we’re going back to Danny’s.”

“We’re coming over with you then,” she says and hangs up.

_________________________________________

“What’s that supposed to mean? It could if I want it to,” I ask Engelland. I’m starting to see him as a sort of hook-up artist or something. Like he has all the answers on how to get the girl.

He’s squinting into the sunlight and singing along to Pearl Jam. I don’t even think he hears me so I close my eyes and lean my head back.

“I just mean, I want to hang out with the guy, play in his gym, ride his quad, swim in his pool. I like him and I like where he lives. Away from this,” he says and sweeps his hand across the windshield. Our current view is bumper to bumper cars and the tops of big, ugly buildings. “I’m not advocating you swooping in to steal his girl but it’s obviously up to her whether or not she wants to date a fighter or a hockey player.”

“Or neither,” which is something I didn’t think of before. “So what exactly are you thinking I should do?” I’m ready to do whatever he tells me. It’s confusing because I don’t know when I got this way, so quick to follow direction instead of my own instincts. But that’s just it; my instincts are pretty on track with the direction the guys are steering me in anyway. Some part of me keeps telling me that she needs me to help her or save her. Which I know is stupid since I don’t know her or her situation. There was just something magnetic happening when I saw her. That doesn’t really explain Deryk’s and Kris’ insta-involvement in my sudden and strange need to be around this girl.

Kris breaks my concentration by chuckling quietly in the backseat so I turn enough so I can see him a little.

“What’s so funny?”

“You,” he says simply.

“I know,” I sigh. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe I’m just bored or something.”

“You need to get laid,” he says just as simply.

“I should go back home,” I say instead of acknowledging the fact that his observation is quite accurate.

“unh-uh,” Deryk says. “You should stay here.”

“Make yourself available,” Kris says, “and chicks will be lining up around the block.”

“I’m not really like that,” I tell them like they don’t already know. They both shrug.

“Who is,” Kris asks, “besides Max.” He answers his own question and we all laugh. “No, I mean,” he continues, “even he’s just trying to find the girl. If you find her and she’s with somebody else, what are you supposed to do? Celibacy isn’t really an option. You know?”

“Every girl thinks she’s the girl though,” Deryk injects.

“Right, so you either hurt somebody’s feelings or you pay somebody,” Kris agrees.

“Why are we talking about prostitutes now,” I ask, shaking my head. “You guys are so weird.”

Deryk shrugs, “I’m just saying…”

Then he doesn’t say anything.

“What? What are you just saying? I feel like you two are on some kind of hallucinogenic drug. I think I have a moment with a hot girl and you two go completely insane about it. I feel like I’m in somebody else’s dream,” I lean my head back on the head rest, “or in an 80’s sitcom.”

“Or a romantic comedy that isn’t really funny,” Kris adds like he’s helping.

“I think I was just looking for a project,” Deryk says like he’s just had an epiphany and then laughs. “Just kidding, Staal.”

“I’m thinking of jumping out of the car right now,” I tell them.

“Nah,” Engo says and waves the idea off with his hand like I would really jump. “We’re just messing with you mostly. Whatever you decide to do is going to be your decision. We just want to help if we can.”

“That’s all I really want,” I conclude, “to help her if I can.”

“There you go again, man. Help her with what,” Kris asks.

“I have no idea,” is all I can give him as an answer.

Chapter Fourteen

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. Obviously I have to say something but don’t know where to begin. How to begin. I barely slept last night so that doesn’t help. And I realize I should just give up on going back to sleep now.

The second my eyes open, Lucky shimmies up the bed to lick my face. Rachel is still sleeping so I’m trying to be quiet and not move around a lot. Of course I know it’s no use because Lucky will think she’s supposed to be awake too. Then he rolls over until he’s practically on top of her.

“Dog slobber,” she groans and sits up. Her eyes are bright and alert-looking.

“How in the hell?” I’m still rubbing my eyes, trying to convince myself to wake up.

“I don’t know,” she says and jumps off the bed. “Sometimes I just wake up feeling… awake.” She smiles at me and sits at my vanity to brush her hair.

“You’re disgusting,” I tell her on my way to the bathroom.

When I come back into my room, Ben and Rachel are there hugging and smiling at each other.

“You guys are a real fairy fucking tale,” I mumble while I’m pulling clothes out of my dresser.

I go to the kitchen, let Lucky out and pour a cup of coffee. My parents are at the table, of course.

“I hope this coffee is strong,” I tell them and plop myself down at the table with them. “Your son and future daughter-in-law are grossing me out.”

My mother is just looking at me like she wants to hug me. My father looks normal though.

“They are pretty gross,” he says and smiles.

“I’m sorry, Caroline,” my mother says suddenly.

I take a sip of coffee and shake my head.

“Don’t be,” I tell her, “it’s my fault. I should have known. I should have asked.”

“Ben said you did ask,” she replies. “He said you talked to Rachel about his moods and you talked to Claudia,” she spits out Claudia’s name like its poison… which is strange and confusing. “And you were at the hospital. You should have been told before this.” She reaches her hand over and puts it on top of mine. “So I’m sorry.”

“Thank you,” I say with a small smile. “I just want you both to know I don’t blame either of you.”

Ben and Rachel bop into the kitchen. She sits across the table while he pours them each coffee.

“I don’t blame any of you,” I continue. “I’m going to talk to Danny about it and we’ll go from there.”

“What are you going to say?” Ben asks, still standing at the counter.

I turn to look at him and shake my head.

“I have no idea,” I answer honestly.

“We’ll stick around for a while today,” Rachel says, looking at Ben. “We don’t have anywhere to be.”

“No, we don’t.” He walks over and puts his hand on the back of my chair. “We’ll hang out here. Go to the lake.”

Rachel smiles at him and then focuses on me again. “I’ll keep my cell with me,” she says.

After I shower, I call Danny to tell him I’m on my way over. He sounds wide awake which I take as a good sign.

He’s in the pool when I get there. I sit on the edge and stick my feet in the water. It’s a little cold for my liking so I pull them back out. I’m hugging my knees, watching him and trying to figure out how to even start the conversation.

“So you wanted to know why I went to your parents’ the other day,” I say because that seems as good a place as any to start.

He hops out of the pool and sits beside me. He leans in for a kiss while I’m watching the water from his swim trunks pool underneath him. It trickles over to me wetting the seat of my capris. I kiss him and he plays like he’s going to throw me in the pool.

“Stop,” I whine, allowing myself to laugh a little.

“What’s up,” he asks me.

“We have to talk about something,” I tell him. My mouth is suddenly dry and I can’t seem to swallow. “I have to get a bottle of water.”

He watches me get up and walk into his house before jumping back into the pool. I hear the splash when I open the refrigerator. I take a drink and stand there for a second. I’m trying to decide if I should say anything at all. That’s when I notice a piece of paper with a woman’s handwriting on his dresser. I don’t recognize the handwriting but all it says is, “you have to tell her”. I carry it outside with me.

He hops back out of the water when he sees me coming. I wave the paper at him.

“Tell who what?” I ask and sit beside him.

“That was there when I got in last night. Anne’s handwriting,” he says like it’s no big deal and reaches for my water.

“Okay,” I say handing him my bottle. “So tell who what?”

He just shrugs and gulps down like ten ounces of water.

“Don’t shrug,” I say with more anger than I mean to and grab the bottle from him.

He looks me in the eyes and slowly moves his gaze to the water in the pool. He takes a couple deep breaths. He breathes in and out carefully, looking like he’s concentrating. Like he’s counting to ten or something. So I wait. I’m silently daring him to get angry with me because I will freak out.

“Sometimes I take pills,” he says softly, still looking at the water in the pool.

________________________________________


I’m dreaming about a woman. She’s stroking my dick and singing softly. I can’t make out the words but it sounds nice. Then she looks up. It’s Anne and then she’s right in my face. Her eyes are bulging and her mouth is open like the Scream mask and she starts making this horrible sound. She makes the sound a few times before I finally recognize it as a ringing phone.

It’s Engelland so I answer. Then I recognize it’s my hand stroking my dick, so I stop.

“Yo,” I say hoarsely.

“Hey man, wake the fuck up.” He sounds like he’s been awake for hours.

“Isn’t it Sunday,” I ask knowing that it is.

“Yeah. So?” I’m sure he’s shrugging his shoulders.

“So why are you waking me up on a Sunday?”

I kick one leg over the side of the bed and squint at the clock.

“Dude, it’s 10:30,” Engelland says like I’m sleeping the day away.

“Just tell me where I’m supposed to be and stop fucking talking,” I grump.

He laughs and there’s a rustling sound like he’s so busy doing something that he can’t be bothered to wait until he hangs up the phone.

“We’re in the parking lot,” a different voice says. “Come out when you’re dressed.” Fucking Letang.

“Jesus Letang, when did you two start fucking?” With that, I end the call and jump in the shower.

I throw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and grab my keys and a hat my way out the door. When I get outside, I squint my eyes and swear at the sun. Letang throws me a pair of shades and gets in the backseat.

“I was kidding,” I say getting in the passenger seat. “I don’t really think you’re fucking. You’re allowed to sit up front.”

Engo laughs and Tanger rolls his eyes.

“We want you to show us some of your superior penalty killing skills,” Engo says.

“Today,” I ask kind of whine-y. “I don’t feel like it today. Can’t we do something else?”

“Like what,” Tanger asks and my phone rings. I don’t recognize the number.

“Hello?”

“Jordan,” a female voice asks.

“Yeah it’s Jordan.”

“It’s Anne,” she says.

I whip my head around, point to the phone and mouth ‘Anne’. Engelland looks into his rearview and motions to Tanger like he’s sucking a dick.

“Hey Anne,” I say trying not to laugh. “What’s up? Miss me?”

“I just wanted to apologize for acting like a pushy bitch last night,” she sighs.

“What? You were fine,” I lie. “Letang didn’t stop talking about you the whole way home.”

Kris kicks the back of my seat.

“He’s right here. I’m teasing him,” I continue and flip him off. “But it's true. He did talk about you quite a bit.”

“He’s sweet.” I can hear her smile when she says it. “If one good thing came out of my maniacal behavior last night, it was meeting him.”

“Yeah, he’s great,” I say and roll my eyes at Engelland.

“So what are you guys doing today,” she hints.

“I don’t know what we’re doing today,” I look over at Engo and he shrugs. “Kennywood sounds like fun. Is it open yet?”

“Yes,” she answers but Engo shakes his head.

“I guess I’m teaching them how to play defense,” I sigh. “Kris will call you later.”

“Okay. Hey Jordan,” she lingers, “I’m really sorry I kept trying to drag you into the Danny drama.”

“Don’t be sorry,” I tell her sincerely. “You’re worried. That’s understandable.”

“Yeah but it was wrong of me to involve you… or Kris.”

“Well the thing is,” I debate for a second about how I want to continue. “The thing is they’re supposed to come to Max’s party this weekend. If none of us talk to either of them before that, we’ll see how Saturday goes. If I feel like it’s something I want to involve myself in, I’ll involve myself. I felt like I got along with everybody last night,” I leave off the part where I was too busy obsessing over everybody obsessing over me thinking a girl is hot. “So it would suck if I just threw my hands up and walked away because now I know somebody might need help.” Which is exactly what I would normally do.

“You mean Carly,” she asks.

“No, I mean Danny,” I lie.

"mmm," she says and sighs. "So okay. I'll let you go. Hope to see you soon."

"Yep," I say and hang up.

"I told her you'd call her later," I say turning to face the backseat.

"I think I'm going to ask her to the party," Kris says thoughtfully.

"Is that a good idea," Engelland asks looking at me.

My turn to shrug so I do. "Why not?"

"Drama," he says in a sing-song voice.

"We don't even know if Jordan's girl and her boyfriend will show up," Tanger says.

"My girl," I say it in a way so he knows he's not supposed to say it. "Don't be an idiot. She's his girl. All I said was we had a moment."

"Yeah and then you couldn't stop pining for her all night," Engelland says.

“No,” I say a bit loudly, “you all kept going on and on about how I’m going to get my heart broken because some girl I just met has a boyfriend.”

“A boyfriend who could probably snap you like a twig with not much effort,” Tanger adds.

Engelland cracks up.

“Right. Thanks. Listen,” I say because I really want them to hear me, “I saw her in a private moment. There were sparks. She has a boyfriend. I’ll probably never see her again. End of story.”

“Except not,” Engelland says. “Not the end of the story, I mean. Or, I guess, it could be if you want it to be. I was serious about getting in that guy’s gym, man.”

“What does that have to do with me and the girl,” I ask him.

“Carly,” Kris chimes in like I forgot her name. I just shake my head a little.

“It doesn’t have to have anything to do with you and the girl,” Engo answers. “I’m just saying it could if you want it to.”