Chapter Fifteen

This isn’t exactly how I expected the conversation to go. I didn’t even have to figure out how to start it. I'm thanking Anne in my head as I’m rubbing Danny’s shoulder.

“Look at me,” I say, trying to make this easier somehow.

He looks at me and there are tears in his eyes. He swipes them away with the back of his hand. And now I’m angry at myself again because I know I will forgive him for lying… or withholding the truth. Same difference.

“I hurt my back in high school,” he starts. I have to figure out how long I’ll make him talk before I tell him I already know. I’m not sure yet, so I let him continue.

“Our family doctor gave me something mild to help with the pain. It did help for a few days but after that the pain was unbearable so I asked around. I found a guy who could get me things. Stronger meds that my doctor wouldn’t prescribe. I took whatever he gave me for as long as they lasted me. Sometimes I’d buy ten pills that would last me a month. Sometimes ten pills, the same pills, would only last a few days.”

He’s looking at the water again. I’m waiting for him to start talking again, still running my hand up and down his arm. After a few minutes, he looks at me.

“I’m not sure what else to say,” he says softly.

“Keep going. I know there’s more.” I cringe a little because I didn’t mean to phrase it quite that way. I don’t want to pressure him but I want him to continue. He immediately makes me regret my choice of words more than I already do.

He’s looking at me like he wants to stick my head in the pool and hold it under water. Then he just stands up and jumps in. The water splashes all around me and soaks the deck underneath me. I figure it’s better than getting drowned by my boyfriend, so I just stand up, shake off and move over a few feet.

“I’m sorry, Danny,” I yell so he can hear me. “I wanted you to talk to me about it. I just didn’t know how to start the conversation.”

He swims over to where I’m sitting and rests his arms on the deck in front of me. He just watches me for what seems like an hour. I’m wiping the water from my face over and over again before I finally realize the wetness is from my tears.

He reaches out and touches my foot. I pull it back and gasp a little. His mouth falls open like he wants to say something but instead he pulls his hand back and covers his face with it.

He lets out a heavy sigh and reaches out his hand again and lays it beside my foot.

“So you’re afraid of me now,” he asks as he inches his hand over until just his thumb can reach the top of my foot.

I shake my head real fast from side to side.

“No, of course not,” I tell him like that’s the most crazy thing. His thumb is tickling my foot and I’m using all of my willpower not to pull away again. “That tickles,” I say and giggle.

He half smiles and moves his hand so it is resting on my foot. His fingers are lying around my ankle. He’s not squeezing or holding my ankle, it’s nothing like that but still for whatever reason I don’t want his hand there. I’m still using all of my willpower not to pull away, but this time it’s not because it tickles. He must be reading my mind because he squeezes a little to get my attention. I can feel my eyes go wide as they dart from his hand to his face.

“I would never hurt you,” he says. His eyes look like they’re going to start watering so he lets go and ducks back into the pool.

“I know,” I call after him.

Neither of us says anything else so I just sit there and he keeps doing laps in the pool. After several laps, he hops out of the pool and sits beside me. He quickly notices the puddle of water forming underneath him and hurries to grab a towel.

“Sorry,” he says and puts the towel in between us. I shift my eyes from the towel to his face and give him a weak smile. “Why don’t you go get Lucky,” he suggests, reaching for my hand. “It’s a beautiful day and we don’t have anything planned.”

Having Lucky around makes me feel better. He’s always so happy to be with me… would never let anything hurt me. Just thinking of having him with us brings a smile to my face. I nod and move to stand but I can’t stand yet because Danny’s still holding my hand, maybe so I can’t run away. My eyes are drawn immediately to his hand gripping mine. He’s not hurting me in any way but I can feel my eyes widen involuntarily.

He releases my hand, looks away and nods.

“Okay then,” he says in a cheerful voice that sounds fake, “I’ll finish up my laps while you grab Lucky. Maybe we’ll grill hot dogs. Spend the day outside.”

He stands and holds out his hands to help me up. I’m trying to smile but I’m not sure if my face is doing what I want it to so I lean in to kiss him on the cheek. He moves his face so our lips touch and I smile for real.

The second he kisses me, I know with absolute certainty that he would never hurt me. I’m just being ridiculous because of Anne. I can’t believe he ever hurt her and wonder why she would say that he had.

On my way to get Lucky, I call Ben.

“Hey Munch, how’d it go?” He asks me with brotherly concern.

“Uh,” I don’t know what to say… which seems to be the norm for me these days. “I found a note from Anne so that got the ball rolling.”

“A note from Anne? Where,” he asks and then Rachel takes the phone from him.

“What note,” she asks.

“I found a note at Danny’s scribbled on a piece of paper, like a piece of paper ripped off something. It just said ‘you have to tell her’. So I waved it in his face and asked him about it. Then he told me a little about the pills but we got off track.” Off track? Is that what happened?

“Off track,” she repeats.

“yeah. I guess I was poking and he got uncomfortable.” It’s crazy that I can’t even remember what happened now.

“He got uncomf… Ben, I don’t… I can’t even,” Rachel says huffily. Then there’s a rustling and I can hear her muffled, “I can’t.”

And Ben’s back on the phone. “Are you afraid of Danny, Carly?”

“No,” I say quickly. “I mean, I’ve never been before. There were a few times today though that I felt like maybe he was going to hold my head under water.”

Then Ben laughs.

“Is that funny,” I ask him because I can’t imagine how.

“If there is one person in the entire world that Danny would never lay a finger on,” he hesitates, “well, it would be me but if there are two people in the world…” He’s still laughing.

“Great,” I kind of bark. “So tell me how to not be afraid of my boyfriend.”

“You just have to know that he won’t hurt you. Would never. How do you not know that, Carly?”

“How do I not know… oh I don’t know maybe because you told me he hurt Anne.”

“Anne is a drama queen,” he informs. “Now I’m not going to say he didn’t put those bruises on her wrist but…”

“What but?” I yell and kick the ground.

“Rachel,” Ben says and she’s back on the phone.

“Carly, where are you,” she asks.

“In the woods. I’m going to get Lucky and we’re going back to Danny’s.”

“We’re coming over with you then,” she says and hangs up.

_________________________________________

“What’s that supposed to mean? It could if I want it to,” I ask Engelland. I’m starting to see him as a sort of hook-up artist or something. Like he has all the answers on how to get the girl.

He’s squinting into the sunlight and singing along to Pearl Jam. I don’t even think he hears me so I close my eyes and lean my head back.

“I just mean, I want to hang out with the guy, play in his gym, ride his quad, swim in his pool. I like him and I like where he lives. Away from this,” he says and sweeps his hand across the windshield. Our current view is bumper to bumper cars and the tops of big, ugly buildings. “I’m not advocating you swooping in to steal his girl but it’s obviously up to her whether or not she wants to date a fighter or a hockey player.”

“Or neither,” which is something I didn’t think of before. “So what exactly are you thinking I should do?” I’m ready to do whatever he tells me. It’s confusing because I don’t know when I got this way, so quick to follow direction instead of my own instincts. But that’s just it; my instincts are pretty on track with the direction the guys are steering me in anyway. Some part of me keeps telling me that she needs me to help her or save her. Which I know is stupid since I don’t know her or her situation. There was just something magnetic happening when I saw her. That doesn’t really explain Deryk’s and Kris’ insta-involvement in my sudden and strange need to be around this girl.

Kris breaks my concentration by chuckling quietly in the backseat so I turn enough so I can see him a little.

“What’s so funny?”

“You,” he says simply.

“I know,” I sigh. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe I’m just bored or something.”

“You need to get laid,” he says just as simply.

“I should go back home,” I say instead of acknowledging the fact that his observation is quite accurate.

“unh-uh,” Deryk says. “You should stay here.”

“Make yourself available,” Kris says, “and chicks will be lining up around the block.”

“I’m not really like that,” I tell them like they don’t already know. They both shrug.

“Who is,” Kris asks, “besides Max.” He answers his own question and we all laugh. “No, I mean,” he continues, “even he’s just trying to find the girl. If you find her and she’s with somebody else, what are you supposed to do? Celibacy isn’t really an option. You know?”

“Every girl thinks she’s the girl though,” Deryk injects.

“Right, so you either hurt somebody’s feelings or you pay somebody,” Kris agrees.

“Why are we talking about prostitutes now,” I ask, shaking my head. “You guys are so weird.”

Deryk shrugs, “I’m just saying…”

Then he doesn’t say anything.

“What? What are you just saying? I feel like you two are on some kind of hallucinogenic drug. I think I have a moment with a hot girl and you two go completely insane about it. I feel like I’m in somebody else’s dream,” I lean my head back on the head rest, “or in an 80’s sitcom.”

“Or a romantic comedy that isn’t really funny,” Kris adds like he’s helping.

“I think I was just looking for a project,” Deryk says like he’s just had an epiphany and then laughs. “Just kidding, Staal.”

“I’m thinking of jumping out of the car right now,” I tell them.

“Nah,” Engo says and waves the idea off with his hand like I would really jump. “We’re just messing with you mostly. Whatever you decide to do is going to be your decision. We just want to help if we can.”

“That’s all I really want,” I conclude, “to help her if I can.”

“There you go again, man. Help her with what,” Kris asks.

“I have no idea,” is all I can give him as an answer.