Chapter Twenty-two

I'm so sorry it takes me so long in between posts. It seems like, aside from real life kicking my ass the past couple of months, I have to redirect my thoughts on this story. I know where I want it to go but I sometimes have problems getting it there. I think a big part of this is because I love Danny. I didn't mean to and he was supposed to be this huge jackass but for some reason he didn't turn out to be that and I can't seem to make him that now. So I wrote myself into a corner there. And, of course, the season is almost over and here I am still sticking them in last spring.

I'm a work in progress. That was the whole point of this in the first place. I tried to make it smutty at first to keep people interested but I guess I'm not that kind of writer. I'm not saying there won't be any, because there may be, I'm just saying that isn't what this is anymore. I guess it never was.

I so very much appreciate those of you who still read this and put up with my sporadic posting.

To those of you who still come here, thank you thank you thank you times a billion.

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A bunch of us found some ice to skate on Sunday and Monday. Me, Letang, Engo, TK, Matty and Benny called a few rinks and found some open time. It can get rough in the off season. Now if we would have had Sid or Geno with us, it would have been a whole lot easier, of course. But they’re both on vacation. Well, I guess it’s pretty unfair to call what Sid has been going through a vacation. Geno’s probably on some beach with a blonde rubbing suntan lotion all over him. Sid’s probably at home in a dark soundproof room. I try not to think about Sid too much. It scares me.

Letang and Engo have been working well together and have been showing each other different aspects of the game. They decided to help Matty and Benny too. Engo is showing them how to be tougher. Tanger is showing them how to be, well, better. TK and me are just standing back to watch Tanger skate. We take turns throwing pucks at him.

“You’re gonna win the Norris this season, Tanger!” TK yells out to him.

Tanger ignores him. He doesn’t talk about such things. It’s true though. If he doesn’t win next season, he’s a shoe-in for the following season. How long can they continue to ignore him if he keeps getting better?

Benny glides over to us.

“What’s the deal with you and that chick? What’s her name,” he asks. I assume he means Carly but I just shrug like I don’t know what girl he means.

“Carly,” TK answers. “She’s still with the MMA fighter.”

“Not for long from what I could see,” Benny says.

I nod my head towards Engo plowing Matty into the boards.

“Go fight for the six spot,” I tell him as we watch Matty retaliate on Engo with a shove.

“That was mean, man,” TK tells me.

I just shrug. I’m sick of people talking to me about Carly. And honestly I don’t see any way that Lovejoy isn’t number seven this season.

Monday, after a solid two hours on the ice, we make our way out to the cars. I slide into the passenger seat of Engo’s car after TK climbs in back.

“We’re all going to Danny’s tomorrow, right?” TK asks as Engo pulls out onto the road.

“Yeah,” I answer. “We’ll have to figure out who’s driving and where we’ll meet.”

“We can meet at Tanger’s,” Deryk suggests. “He has the most convenient driveway. Fits lots of cars.”

Tuesday morning comes fast. I shove Carly’s sweatshirt in my bag and meet Engo outside at 10:45. We get to Tanger’s and wait in the driveway where we collectively decide that Benny will drive. His SUV will hold all of us. We pull out of the driveway and something catches TK’s eye. He turns his head back towards Kris’ front door.

“whoa. Who’s that?” He asks. We all turn to look. A leggy blonde is walking through Kris’ front yard and getting into a red Corvette parked on the street outside Tanger’s.

“Masseuse,” Tanger says and grins.

“Damn,” Matty says, his mouth still hanging open.

“Dog,” TK says and shoves the back of Tanger’s seat. “Anne wouldn’t be happy about that.”

“Something tells me you wouldn’t want to make that chick mad,” I point out helpfully.

Kris laughs. “She knows I get massages. She doesn’t need to see the masseuse.” He shrugs. “Besides, we just met. I don’t think she expects much from me right now.”

“If there’s one thing I do know about chicks,” TK adds, “it’s that almost all of them almost always expect too much.”

“Not all of them,” Engo chimes in, grinning.

“We know, we know. You’re happily married,” Matty says with a roll of his eyes.

I’m sitting in the front passenger seat while Benny drives. The rest of the guys fall silent. Either texting (Tyler) or listening to their iPods (Letang, Engo and Matty).

“Wanna talk?” Benny asks me.

“About what?” I ask even though I know what he means.

“I don’t know,” he says, “whatever you want. Sometimes it just helps to talk.”

I make a grunting sound.

“About anything, I mean.” He answers my grunt. “I don’t just mean about Carly.”

“I worry about Sid a lot,” I tell him and sigh.

“He’s doing better though,” Benny says cheerfully. “He’ll be good as new for the start of the season.”

“Seems so far away,” I say, looking out the window, not knowing exactly what I’m talking about. The summers always go by quickly, no matter how long they are. I turn my head back to the front.

“Here before you know it,” Benny says and steals a side glance at me. “It will all work out.”

I just nod and lean my head back on the seat. “You can talk, man. I’m listening,” I tell him so he knows I’m not sleeping or just simply ignoring him. I know Benny likes to talk. I guess too much silence makes him uncomfortable.

So he does. He talks about missing home, wanting a dog, and the best places to get pizza. I don’t think he stopped talking for more than 30 seconds the whole way to Danny’s. I tried to comment as much as I could. At one point I even told him about Carly’s dog Lucky. TK adds a few comments here and there.

When we start down the street that leads to Danny’s, I suddenly can’t swallow. I keep trying to clear my throat, when we get out of the car. Engo hands me a water bottle and pats me on the shoulder.

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As I make my way through the woods to Danny’s, I’m trying to figure out what I’m going to say to him. I don’t think he’s mad at me. I mean, I didn’t do anything wrong. I haven’t talked to him since Saturday night but I don’t know if that’s because he didn’t call me or because I didn’t call him. And since I don’t know how I view it, I can’t guess how he does.

I approach the door to his gym and still don’t have a speech prepared. I just take a deep breath and throw open the door.

“Hi!” I figure if I sound excited and smile enough, he might smile back.

He does. “Hey, babe.” He makes his way over to me with his arms open. I wrap mine around his waist. “Where ya been?” He asks and holds me out at arm’s length. Smiling his gorgeous, familiar smile.

“Quitting school and preparing to move,” I tell him matter-of-factly.

“Oh really,” he steps away to adjust the weight on one of his machines. “Been busy?”

“Yeah,” I answer, suddenly feeling guilty. “I didn’t know if,” but I don’t know how to continue so I put my head down and bite my bottom lip.

“If what?” He asks, not looking at me. “If maybe I’d want to know that my girlfriend is making major life decisions without at the very least telling me about them?”

“I’m telling you now,” I say and immediately regret it.

He turns his head halfway in my direction. I look at the mirrored wall to my left to see his full face. He lowers his eyes to the ground. He doesn’t say anything.

“I didn’t think you’d care,” I tell him.

I’m still watching him in the mirrors. It isn’t just in his eyes now; his whole face looks like he’s been defeated. His shoulders slump a little. Like he’s ready to tap out.

He turns to face me and I think he might come to hug me and tell me he cares because he loves me. Instead he sits on a weight bench. He rests his elbows on his knees and lowers his head.

“What are you doing here?” He asks softly.

“I just…” Suddenly I’m so frustrated; I want to piss him off. “Are you talking to me or the ground?”

He raises his eyes to me but not his head. It makes him look angry; the way he’s looking at me.

“Sorry,” I say because I am, not because I’m afraid. I puff out my cheeks and blow air out. “I’m sorry I haven’t called you but you didn’t call me and I thought maybe you were mad at me still.”

His eyes go quizzical. “Mad?” He lifts his head and shakes it in confusion. “I was never mad at you, Carly.”

“How would I know that?” I ask and throw up my hands. “You were yelling at me. You were mean to Anne for no reason.”

“There are reasons,” he says and lays back on the bench.

I walk over and sit on the floor between his feet, facing him. I bring my hands up and rest them on his thigh, fingers laced together. He puts his hand on top of mine and traces a circle with his thumb.

“Is it Jordan?” He asks quietly.

“Is what Jordan?”

“Is he the reason you’re breaking up with me?” He sits up, grabs my hands in his and looks down at me.

“I’m not,” I shake my head. “Why would you think that?”

“I would if I were you.” He pauses. “Ben said he came here,” he pauses again like he’s waiting for me to say something. He continues when I don’t. “He told me you quit school and that you’re moving in with Rachel.”

“Why does he tell everybody everything?” I roll my eyes and stand. “Except me, of course.” I add with a sigh.

“He’s just looking out for you,” he says and stands with me. “So tell me about it.”

“Jordan drove Anne home and stopped over to make sure everything was okay. I said it was but Lucky took a liking to him and he drove all this way…” I let it hang there.

“And do you like him?”

“Of course I like him,” I nod. “He’s a good guy and that was nice of him to show concern for somebody he doesn’t know.”

“They’re coming today, you know,” he hints.

“Yeah,” I admit. “I left my hoodie in his car.”

“His car?” He raises his eyebrows. “Why were you in his car?”

“We went to the lake.” I keep my eyes on his hoping they don’t show guilt or fear.

He nods and bites the inside of his cheek.

“It wasn’t anything like that, Danny. It wasn’t even a thing,” I reach for his hand and he lets me take it. “I just felt awkward and he was throwing the ball for Lucky and we were talking about stupid things and I didn’t know what to do so I asked if he wanted to go to the lake.”

“You say he doesn’t know you but that’s a sure sign that he wants to,” he swings my hand back and forth a little. Maybe to show that he’s not mad at me.

I shrug.

“Maybe that’s not such a bad thing for you,” he suggests.

“What isn’t?” I scoff like I’m not interested.

“That a good guy wants to get to know you,” he says and pulls me to him.

I wrap my arms around his familiar waist and tuck my cheek against his familiar chest. He wraps his arms around me and kisses the top of my head.

“I love you,” I tell him and breathe in his familiar scent.

“I know you do,” he says and sniffs my hair.

“So don’t be stupid.” I smack his ass and laugh.

He backs out of our embrace. “You’re beautiful,” he says and I feel myself blush for some reason. “You deserve a guy who isn’t stupid.”

“Maybe so but I love you and we’re not having this discussion,” I tell him and touch his arm. “Least of all about Jordan Staal.”

“What about Jordan Staal?” I hear a voice behind us ask.

I close my eyes and curse the world. Silently. Then I just take a deep breath and turn to see Danny walking over to greet Tyler who’s peeking around the door.

“Oh nothing,” Danny covers for me. “We were just talking about the season. Nothing you guys want to talk about.”

Chapter Twenty-one

"Why the hell didn't you call me back," Letang yells into the phone. "I was practically in Anne's car getting ready to drive over there to see if you got yourself killed."

"I appreciate your concern," I tell him but it's a lie.

"Don't get like that," he huffs.

"Like what exactly?"

"'I appreciate your concern,'" he mocks my voice but it doesn't sound like me. "Seriously. Is everything okay?"

"Shouldn't you be busy fucking instead of obsessing over me?" I can't help it. I always manage to somehow take things out on him. Besides, this is really all his fault.

"Call me tomorrow," he says and hangs up. He's used to my abuse.

But honestly, I do sort of blame him for these feelings I'm having for a girl I don't know. A crazy girl who has a boyfriend, to boot. If he would have just let it go, I'd be somewhere else right now instead of driving thirty or forty or however many miles home in the pouring rain with a soaking wet passenger seat and dog fur in my backseat. I'd probably sleeping in a bed somewhere with or without arms and legs draped all over me.

Maybe she is actually crazy. I’d never considered that before. Why else would her family treat her like she could break at any moment. Oh what am I talking about? The only thing I do know about her family is that they didn’t find it necessary to tell her that her boyfriend is a pill popper. Well that and her brother’s girl likes to party. I bet she’s a good time in bed, that Rachel. She’s always smiling and she has the right kind of curves in the right places. Why couldn’t I have caught her in an awkward moment? Not only would I be in a different place right now, I’d be in a different state of mind too.

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“Who was that,” my father’s voice startles me.

He’s sitting on his chair in the living room with a book in his lap. He won’t admit it, but he’s been waiting up for me. He’s done it all my life.

“That,” I sit on the coffee table. Lucky sits at my father’s feet. “Was Jordan Staal.” What’s the point in lying?

“Oh,” is all he says but it has a question mark at the end.

“Yeah. He said he was coming by to make sure I was okay,” I try to laugh like I think it was stupid of him to come by but it comes out more like I think he’s a prince in a fairy tale.

“And why would you not be okay?” He’s not prying. He already knows.

“Does Ben tell you everything,” I try to sound irritated but I’m not.

“Yes.”

“Danny got mad at Anne and made her get out of the car. Jordan had to take her home,” I sigh.

“That was nice of him,” he says simply and picks up his book. He just looks down and goes back to pretending he’s reading.

“Dad?”

“mm hmm,” he doesn’t look up.

“Do you think I should break up with Danny?”

“Probably,” he says like he’s been waiting for me to ask.

“Well you didn’t even hesitate. Why didn’t you say anything before,” I ask softly and look down at my fingernails. They need re-painted. The soft pink polish is starting to peel.

“Is everything okay?” Still not looking at me.

“Yeah,” I pick at my nail polish. “I mean, not really but he hasn’t hit me or anything.”

“Is that the line,” he asks and finally puts his book back down and looks at me.

“What? I don’t understand the ques…”

“Is that the line?” He leans forward and puts his elbows on his knees. “The line that he has to cross before you break up with him. You won’t break up with him unless he hits you?”

“No,” I’m becoming quite confused and starting to think I’m dreaming. “No, I mean, there are other lines.”

“You’re allowed to not be in love with him, Caroline,” my mother’s voice says from the stairs.

I sigh heavily and cover my face with my hands.

“I do love him.” It comes out muffled through my palms.

“You’re soaking wet,” my mother observes.

“I like the rain.”
“She likes the rain.”
We say it at the same time, me and my father.

“Well you still need to dry off when you come in the door,” she says and turns to go back up the steps. I hear drawers opening in my bedroom.

My dad leans back in his chair and Lucky puts his head on his leg.

“You can love somebody without being in love with them,” my father says as he’s rubbing Lucky behind his ears.

“I know, but…”

“But what?” My mother asks from the stairs. She tosses a pair of pajamas at me. Capris and a buttoned shirt. She always buys me pajamas and I don’t usually wear them. I prefer t-shirts and shorts or sweats. I play with the buttons on the top. “There’s no but here. We didn’t tell you something we should have told you because we wanted to protect him.” She snips out ‘him’ in the same way she said Claudia’s name like its poison.

“What happened,” I ask them, pulling at the threads that hold the buttons on.

“Before or after he tried to kill himself,” my father asks in a whisper.

“He didn’t…” I start to protest

“He did!” My mother shouts.

“So you keep things from me because you think I’m going to start taking pills too? I’m not that sheeplike!”

“Yes, you are!” My mother shouts some more.

“Caroline,” my father says calmly. “Olivia…”

“No,” I stand and throw the pajamas on the couch in one swift motion. “For the ten millionth time, I will not try to kill myself if I get upset. I get mad. I break things. I cry. I can’t live in bubble wrap because I get upset sometimes. If things don’t work out with Danny, I’ll find another guy that things won’t work out with. I’ll be fine. It’s the fucking circle of life or whatever.”

My dad smiles at me. “That’s not what that is.”

“For her it is,” my mother says and goes to the kitchen. “I’m making tea.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean,” I call after her.

My dad winks at me and shakes his head. I puff out my cheeks and blow out air.

“I should move out,” I tell him and watch his eyes go wide.

“No,” he pats my knee and stands. “You should not.” And he goes into the kitchen. Lucky starts to follow him but stops and looks back at me.

I wave him on and start toward the kitchen behind him.

“We can’t keep having these conversations where nobody ever says anything. I’m an adult. I can find a job and move out,” I say casually and sit at the table.

My mother scoffs and my father taps her on the butt with his book. Then he comes over to the table and sits beside me.

“You, my little angel,” he takes my hands in his, “are still in school and you have to save up some money before you can…”

“I’ll find a roommate,” I plead. “And I’m quitting school.”

Neither of them says anything. They’re not surprised.

“Maybe I’ll go back at a later date.” I wait for a protest but none come. “Maybe I can move in with Rachel until I find a place of my own.”

My mother still hasn’t turned from the stove. My father now has his arms crossed on the table and he’s buried his head.

“Am I talking to myself?”

Lucky barks on cue.

“I just don’t want to have this conversation right now,” my dad says like he’s exasperated.

The teapot whistles.

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She left her hoodie in my car. I carry it inside with me and toss it onto the couch. Then I just climb in my bed still wearing all my clothes and lay there staring at the ceiling. I should call Letang back. I don’t mean to be such an ass to him all the time. He’s just so easy to be mean to for some reason. He gets it though. He knows I’m not mad at him. I should start taking out my frustrations on Engelland. Maybe he’d just punch me to shut me up. Or Orpik. Yeah maybe Orpik. I’ll call Tanger in the morning. I’ll set my alarm so I can call him before he calls me. It wouldn’t be a good idea for him to call and wake me up. I’m not always very pleasant when somebody wakes me up.

It’d probably be a good idea to find some ice tomorrow. Lacing up my skates should help my mood. Not that I’m in a bad mood or anything like that; I just need to focus on things I can control. I get a feeling it’d be pretty tough to try to control what’s going to happen or not going to happen with Carly.

My phone rings and I have a quick debate over whether or not I’m going to answer it. But it’s Tanger, so I do.

“Hey man, sorry,” I say when I answer.

“Hi,” he says questioningly. “Sorry for what?”

“For being such an ass,” I climb out of bed and go to the kitchen.

“Oh,” he hesitates. “That’s fine. Anne said she thought you should be home by now.”

“So you’re checking up on me,” I say teasingly.

“Yeah. Sorry man. I just wanted to make sure you got home safely. I know you were tired and that’s a drive.”

“Don’t apologize, Tanger. I appreciate your concern.” I remember our last conversation. “Truly. I do appreciate it.”

“You wouldn’t be in this mess if it wasn’t for me harping on you about her so much,” he says softly.

“Mess? I’m not in a mess. I’m fine. I mean, I’ll be fine. You know how it is; sometimes you just want something that’s out of reach.” I grab a bottle of water from the refrigerator and hop up on the counter.

“Out of reach,” he questions.

“Yeah, you know, she has a boyfriend and they seem good together. As soon as I get her sweatshirt back to her…”

“Why do you have her sweatshirt?”

“She left it in my car,” I answer simply.

“Why was she in your car?”

“Oh I guess I didn’t tell you about my visit with her…”

“No, you were too busy being huffy,” he laughs.

“Her dog liked me instantly so we went to the backyard to play and then we went to the lake.”

“You and the dog?” Kris laughs at his own joke.

“And Carly,” I reply.

“And?”

“And what?” I know what he’s getting at but I’m a jerk, so I make him ask specifically.

“What happened? What was the conversation about? Was there flirting?” There’s a lot of rustling on his end of the phone so I have a feeling Anne is listening in now.

“Nothing really happened. We sat on a bench then it started to rain so I drove her back.”

“You didn’t talk at all,” he prods.

“A bit… about anchors and stuff… nothing really. Can we talk tomorrow? I’ll call you when I wake up.” I’m not getting into it with Anne listening.

“Sure,” he says. He sounds relieved. He probably doesn’t want to talk with her listening either. “I’ll probably be home by the time you wake up,” he laughs.

“Take it easy on Anne tonight,” I tell him. “Or tell her to take it easy on you. I want to get on ice tomorrow.”

“That’s a good idea,” he says dreamily. Nobody loves the ice more than Kris. Well except maybe Sid.


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The next two days fly by and before I know it, it’s Tuesday and the boys are supposed to come by to work out with Danny. I want to get my hoodie from Jordan but I don’t know how I’d explain that to Danny. Not that I’m even sure he’s still speaking with me. I haven’t talked to him since we got home Saturday night.

I spent most of Sunday hanging with Lucky. I gave him a bath and walked him around the lake. In the evening he lay on my bed and listened to me talk about Jordan. I’d been thinking about him all day and I had to tell somebody how I was feeling. There is something natural about being with him. Sharing the step with him in the back yard, the bench at the lake and the front of his car; it all felt very comfortable.

Yesterday, I spent the day quitting school. That felt natural and comfortable too. I’ll find a job and volunteer at the animal shelter. I talked to Rachel about moving in with her until I could afford my own place. She loved the idea. She loved the idea so much she drove over after work with a bunch of boxes. She has an extra bedroom that is actually used as an extra bedroom. A spare for when guests stay over. Most people, I thought, turned those into “offices” or “gyms”. I’ve stayed there several times after too much drinking or after she had a fight with Ben or I fought with my parents. Actually, I’ve stayed there so often, the room is practically mine already. Our plan is to bring Lucky along and convince the landlord later that he’s no worse than a small dog (her townhouse allows cats and small dogs) and certainly better than a cat. I’m hoping that by the time it’s a problem, if it becomes one, I’ll have plans to move out already.

My parents aren’t exactly thrilled with me quitting school but they didn’t try to stop me. They know there’s no use. They convinced me to wait until the weekend to move out. They’re not exactly thrilled about that either but they know I have to grow up. I have to “learn to be responsible” and yadda yadda yadda. It’s been a while since my mother has said that to me but I know she still thinks it all the time. They spoil me so I think she sometimes blames herself that I’m a loser.

I finish getting dressed and look at myself in the mirror. I don’t want to look like I put a lot of effort into what I look like. Sometimes that takes work. Grey cut-off sweatpants, white t-shirt, white flip flops, my hair pulled carefully into a messy ponytail, and makeup carefully applied to make my skin look naked. I grab my lip balm and head out the door.

I start the walk through the woods and realize I have no idea how I will be greeted by my boyfriend.

Chapter Twenty

Somehow I’m not surprised when I hear a car pull into the driveway. I hope my parents are still awake because there’s no way to keep Lucky from barking.

“Be quiet, Lucky,” I tell him and pat my leg for him to walk with me. He growls the whole way to the front of the house.

I wasn’t surprised to hear a car pull in but I am surprised to see that it isn’t Ben or Rachel. I don’t recognize the car but it’s fancy. My mouth falls open when I see that it’s Jordan. He’s just sitting there. Maybe he’s afraid of Lucky.

“It’s okay, buddy. It’s just Jordan.” I pat Lucky on his head and he looks up at me. He has no idea who Jordan is.

I watch him watch me walk over to the driver’s side of the car and he opens the door. The second he gets out of the car and closes the door, Lucky runs over to him and jumps on him, pushing him against it.

“Hey buddy,” Jordan says to Lucky with no fear. Lucky appreciates that. I can tell by the wag of his tail.

“Hi,” he finally says to me. “I was sent here to check on you.”

“Did you take Anne home,” I ask and he nods. “Thanks.”

“No problem. So,” he blows air out from between his lips. “How are you? Everything okay?”

“Yeah.” I don’t know what else to say but I have to say something. He drove all this way. “Sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye when we left the party. We tried to make sure we saw everybody but…”

“No, no. It’s okay,” he says with a wave of his hand.

Neither of us says anything. Lucky is dying to wrestle with Jordan. Jordan’s roughing him up, play-pushing him.

“You want to go to the backyard,” I ask with a directional point of my thumb. “Looks like Lucky wants you to play.”

He doesn’t say anything; just nods his head and follows my lead. Lucky runs ahead of us and runs through the open gate to his fence. I wait for Jordan to come in and then I close the gate behind us.

“So thanks for stopping by,” I say awkwardly. “This is really sweet of you.”

“Yeah,” he says and wipes his hands on his shorts. “Anne thought you might need somebody to talk to.” He cringes a little after he says it, like he’s not sure if he should have.

“That’s weird,” I reply. His eyes shift away from me and his expression changes a little. “Oh,” I catch what I said. “I don’t mean it’s weird that I would want to talk… to you.”

“Oh no, I know what you meant,” he looks back at me and I think I might see a little bit of relief in eyes. “Weird that she would… that it was her that said… that Anne said I…”

“Right,” I interrupt to relieve him some more. “Like weird that she would care. Or know, even.”

“Sorry if it’s wrong for me to stop by.” He throws the ball for Lucky and wipes his hands on his shorts again. “I had to m… I wanted to see if you were okay.”

“Yep,” I smile.

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When I pulled into her driveway and saw the light on in the backyard, I froze. I was clutching the steering wheel with both hands so tightly my knuckles started turning white. I was watching them change color when I saw her walking towards me. She has her hair pulled back now and I was watching her ponytail swing from side to side while she walked. Her big, dumb dog walking alongside her trying to be threatening. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I love dogs. Boxers always have that look though. I just sat there in my car until she came to rescue me from being creepy.

I’m tossing the ball around the yard for Lucky and my palms keep sweating. I want to know if I can help her in some way. If I could date her in some way. If I could sling her over my shoulder and carry her into the woods to fuck her. I want to know anything. Something. Everything.

But she says she’s fine and why would she open up to me anyway. So I just say, “Alright. I guess I’ll go.” I wipe my hands on my shorts again. “Long drive home.” I smile, hoping she’ll ask me to stay.

“Or you could stay,” she says and looks down. “I mean, if you want to. Lucky seems to like you and it is still pretty early.” She looks down at her wrist and then around the yard like she’s looking for something. “I guess it is. I don’t know… do you know what time it is?” I shake my head. “Probably about midnight, huh? But that’s still early. Do you want a water or a Pepsi or something? Wine? I don’t know if there’s beer in…”

“Water would be spectacular,” I tell her mostly to get her to stop talking so fast. She keeps waving her hands around too. Probably something she does when she gets nervous. I’m supposed to be here to calm her down though, not to make her nervous. But wait. Spectacular? Water would be spectacular? Oh motherfuck I am an idiot. I sigh and smile as she walks past me and into the house.

Lucky stops in the middle of the yard and looks at the door. He drops his ball and tilts his head.

“She just went to get me some spectacular water,” I tell him and he looks at me and tilts his head again. “Yeah, I don’t know why I said it either.”

“That reminded me of an episode of Friends,” Carly says from behind me. “When Chandler was stuck in the lobby with that model. ‘Gum would be perfection’. That’s what he told her. Spectacular water. Perfect gum.” She giggles and hands me the bottle. Then her eyes go wide like something startled her. “Not that I’m comparing you to Chandler or me to a model…”

“I saw that episode,” I ease her. “The One With the Blackout,” I say just to share my Friends knowledge. She smiles.

“So you’re a friends geek too,” she says and sits on the step.

“No,” I sit beside her. “Well, I mean, I’ve seen some of them and I remember some of the titles. I couldn’t run dialogue from every episode.”

“I couldn’t either but a lot of things remind me of episodes.” Her voice starts to trail off at the end like she’s bored with the conversation.

“Are you okay out here?” She asks and waves her hand toward the house. “We could go inside.”

Her parents live here though.

“Nah,” I shake my head. “It’s nice out.”

“We could go to the lake,” she suggests brilliantly.

“Oh wow. I would love to do that,” I answer honestly.

“It’s kind of a long walk,” she says. “And we’d have to walk past Danny’s house and I don’t know how he’d feel about…”

“I’ll just drive us over,” I interrupt to keep her from talking about Danny’s feelings.

“But Lucky…”

“Can ride in the backseat,” I finish her sentence.

She bounces up from the step and runs in the house. Lucky drops his ball in the yard again. Poor guy.

“Want to go to the lake?” I ask him and he sprints over to me and tackles me.

I’m lying on my back with him on top of me when Carly comes back out with his leash and a zipper hoodie.

“Guess you told him he was going somewhere,” she laughs.

-------------------------------------------

I don’t know what I’m doing with him here, at the lake. The lake we have been hanging around since we were kids. It feels like a betrayal. Or it does when I’m not looking at Jordan. He looks like he belongs here. Sitting on the bench looking at the stars reflecting off the still water. Sitting beside me.

“I’ll miss this place so much,” I blurt to break the silence.

“Miss it?” I broke his concentration. He looks from the water to my face. He’s leaning forward and the palms of his hands are pressing down and he's gripping the edge of the bench. I can’t tell if he’s thinking of using the bench to push off of or if he’s using it to hang on.

“Yeah,” I answer, still looking at his hands. “I know I can’t live at my parents’ house forever. Same pink bedroom I’ve had since I was three or however many years old.” I leave the conversation there and look up at his face. His eyes invite me to talk more. “I’m afraid to leave, I guess.”

“Afraid?” Heaven help me, he’s beautiful.

“I don’t know,” I pause because I really don’t know how to explain it to him. “I guess I’m afraid I’ll forget who I am.”

“Who you are isn’t connected to where you live,” he tells me sincerely. But he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. How could he?

“I feel free to be myself here.”

“So you are afraid to grow up?” He asks me… or sort of asks.

“No. I’m afraid that when I leave here,” I don’t know what else to say; how to finish the sentence. “I’m afraid when I leave here… my home… that I’ll become somebody else.”

“How so,” he asks and sits back. I turn towards him and put my left knee on the bench.

“I don’t know. I guess I feel grounded here.” I don’t know what to do with my hands so I fold them in my lap. “Maybe I am afraid to grow up. Or like if I leave there won’t be anything to,” I can’t think of the word so I bite my bottom lip and pick at my cuticles.

“Anchor,” he says. I look up at him and our eyes meet.

“Right,” I peel my eyes away from his. “Like there won’t be anything to hold me down.”

“And you’ll just float away,” he says like he gets it.

Our eyes meet again and I nod. I want to touch his face so I look down at my hands.

“Does Danny do that for you,” he asks quietly. “Ground you?”

I think for a minute and shake my head.

“He’s familiar,” I confess.

“You can talk to me,” he offers. I look over at him and he’s looking at the water again. Lucky’s lying on the ground at his feet.

“You made a friend,” I say and he looks down at Lucky.

“I hope I made two.” His eyes move from Lucky to me.

“Yeah,” I confirm. “You’re a good guy, Jordan Staal.”

He nods in agreement. “But don’t tell anybody,” he squints at me.

I make like I’m using a key to lock my lips and throw the key in the lake. There’s a rumble of thunder.

“Key made a loud noise when it hit the water,” Jordan jokes.

----------------------------------


I feel a drop on my arm so I suggest we get her back home.

“We should go,” I stand up and grab Lucky’s leash. He stands with me without question.

We start walking the short distance to the car. She’s walking beside me with her arms crossed in front of her. Maybe she’s cold. Her hoodie never made it out of the car.

“Thank you,” she says and bumps me with her shoulder.

“Anytime,” I answer with a bump back. “And I mean that.”

I let Lucky in the backseat and get behind the steering wheel just as the skies open. I look over to the passenger side and Carly’s standing about fifteen feet from the car. Her arms are spread open wide and her head is tilted all the way back. She’s soaking wet before I even push the button to put the window down.

“What the fuck?” I yell.

“I love the rain!” She yells back.

Lucky barks.

“This girl is nuts,” I tell him. He barks again. “Yeah you know that already.”

“I’ll pop the trunk. There should be a towel or blanket or something back there,” I yell out to her because I’ll be damned if I’m stepping out in this.

I dread the rain. I hate walking in it. I hate driving in it. I hate the smell of wet things… most wet things. Especially though, I hate thunder and lightning and how it scares some kids and dogs. We had a dog when I was growing up that was terrified of thunderstorms. We tried everything to calm him down. Nothing worked. I guess I grew up hating thunderstorms and that grew to me hating rain altogether.

But watching this girl stand in the rain could change my mind. She’s not making a move to get in the car. I wonder what it feels like to wear soaking wet cowboy boots.

“Stay in the car,” I say to Lucky and get out to check the trunk. Towel, blanket, umbrella, spare shirt. Good shape.

I open the umbrella and hold it over my head and carry the towel over to her.

“Carly, come on,” I say and offer her the towel.

She giggles and leaps towards me, splashing in a puddle. I hold the umbrella out as much as I can and she steps under it.

“Sorry,” she looks up at me. We’re about six inches apart, face to face, sharing an umbrella.

“For what?”

“Standing in the rain like a lunatic,” she laughs. “And that puddle was a total accident.”

“You’re wet,” I inform her and wrap the towel around her shoulders. My hand rests on her shoulder for about five hours too long.

She’s still looking in my eyes as she bites her bottom lip. I don’t think it’s meant to be seductive but if I don’t step away…

“Let’s get you home so you can change.” I guide her to the passenger side door.

“Oh Jordan, I don’t want to get your car all wet,” she turns back around to me.

“It’ll dry,” I smile at her. “Just get in.”

She lays the towel carefully on the seat and gets in. Lucky barks at her.

My phone vibrates in my pocket on my way over to the driver’s side. I figure it’s Letang so I just let it go to voicemail. He can add two plus two.

“We’ll have to go back there one day when it’s dry,” I suggest after I get back in the car.

“Oh for sure,” she says happily. “We have so much fun there.”

“Doing what?” I cringe because I’m afraid of the answer.

“Oh you know,” she giggles. “Nothing really.”

Neither of us says anything on our way back to her house. The ride feels like it takes too long to not say anything. It doesn’t, of course, it’s maybe a minute or two.

“Sorry about your car,” she says and pouts out her bottom lip.

“No big deal,” I smile.


--------------

His smile could be my undoing. I have to get out of the car so I just open the door and jump out. Jordan reaches back to pat Lucky on the head before I give his leash a yank and he jumps out behind me.

“Thanks for stopping by,” I bend over to give him a smile and a wave before I close the car door and run to the backyard.

If you’d have told me a week ago that I would feel this strongly about a guy I didn’t know yet, I’d have told you that you’re crazy. But here we are. It makes me feel insecure somehow. Unstable. Like my head and my heart are turning on me. Who can you trust if you can’t trust yourself?

I guess the argument could be made that we all know a little something about public figures so when we meet them we feel like we know them already. But not like this. Not like I want to climb into his lap and nuzzle my face in his neck. And somehow I feel like he would be totally okay with me doing that.

I’m in the house before I realize I left my sweatshirt in his car.